Sunday, July 17, 2011

That 1%.....and why we hang onto it........

I read this blog post by Chrissy today, my god, this makes so much sense to me her blog is over here: Bloggitymoo

The 1% mentality.
In the cycle of abuse, or abusive relationships, there is a mentality that you fall victim to. It is what I refer to as the 1% mentality and forms the basis of the mentality that will inevitably keep a person in that cycle. While in counselling, I discovered the answer to what keeps a person returning.
When your life is spinning out of control, your dreams are tumbling and your days are filled with negativity, fear and deep sorrow, all you need is a snippet. A shard of light, a shred of hope and you grab that hope and hold onto it for dear life, praying, begging for it to grow and wash away the misery that your life has become.
When you love someone, all you want is to be in their arms, back in that time when you laughed together, dreamed, planned and had the world ahead of you. You never forget those times and it is the hope that remains that also keeps you there. In the typical cycle, there are always snippets of hope that rear their heads from time to time and it is those snippets that keep that hope alive.
For me, when I had been drowning in this uncontrollable sea of depression, all I needed was one good day. One day and I would be reminded that it could be good. 'See all i need to do is more of this, and he will love me enough. He will want me enough. Maybe I am good enough.' But that was never the case.
It is the most confronting, devastating thing, that. To realise that the one person you live for, just doesn't want you the way they should. Facing the reality that you just aren't good enough, is a knife through your soul. Your spirit. Who you are and who you could be.
That relationship ended 18months ago and yet, I have found, that I have made little personal progress.
I was doing well, or so I thought. Then, that 1% lured me back in. Just that flicker of hope, is all it takes to send you spiralling down that path of the inevitable train wreck.
There just isn't.
It does not exist other than in your dreams.
Then the wake up call. The cloud of doom that always hovers near, absconds with your 1%, snatches it away, leaving a trail of evil, maniacal cackles lingering, reminding you of your vulnerability, naivety and desperation.
The manipulative and self serving act that it takes to mislead someone that you know well, well enough to understand exactly what you are doing and the impact it has, fills me with a vile hatred that will never wane again. How many years, how many times does it take?
There comes a time when you must take accountability for allowing yourself to continue being the puppet.
For me, personally, that time is way overdue.
The preference for amicable, friendly and peaceful interactions no longer takes priority over what is best for ME. Yes, ME because godamnit I am important and a priority, to ME. Long overdue is a time where I control my hopes, dreams and the health of my spirit.
He didn't deserve me, all that I am and can be, when I met him, nor anytime in the years that followed and most definitely not now.
I have learned, that I have much to learn. I am still quite shell-shocked that any person can have so little personal growth and yet give the appearance that betrays the reality. It scares me.
I am wiping that slate. Every last %.

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