Sunday, July 17, 2011

That 1%.....and why we hang onto it........

I read this blog post by Chrissy today, my god, this makes so much sense to me her blog is over here: Bloggitymoo

The 1% mentality.
In the cycle of abuse, or abusive relationships, there is a mentality that you fall victim to. It is what I refer to as the 1% mentality and forms the basis of the mentality that will inevitably keep a person in that cycle. While in counselling, I discovered the answer to what keeps a person returning.
When your life is spinning out of control, your dreams are tumbling and your days are filled with negativity, fear and deep sorrow, all you need is a snippet. A shard of light, a shred of hope and you grab that hope and hold onto it for dear life, praying, begging for it to grow and wash away the misery that your life has become.
When you love someone, all you want is to be in their arms, back in that time when you laughed together, dreamed, planned and had the world ahead of you. You never forget those times and it is the hope that remains that also keeps you there. In the typical cycle, there are always snippets of hope that rear their heads from time to time and it is those snippets that keep that hope alive.
For me, when I had been drowning in this uncontrollable sea of depression, all I needed was one good day. One day and I would be reminded that it could be good. 'See all i need to do is more of this, and he will love me enough. He will want me enough. Maybe I am good enough.' But that was never the case.
It is the most confronting, devastating thing, that. To realise that the one person you live for, just doesn't want you the way they should. Facing the reality that you just aren't good enough, is a knife through your soul. Your spirit. Who you are and who you could be.
That relationship ended 18months ago and yet, I have found, that I have made little personal progress.
I was doing well, or so I thought. Then, that 1% lured me back in. Just that flicker of hope, is all it takes to send you spiralling down that path of the inevitable train wreck.
There just isn't.
It does not exist other than in your dreams.
Then the wake up call. The cloud of doom that always hovers near, absconds with your 1%, snatches it away, leaving a trail of evil, maniacal cackles lingering, reminding you of your vulnerability, naivety and desperation.
The manipulative and self serving act that it takes to mislead someone that you know well, well enough to understand exactly what you are doing and the impact it has, fills me with a vile hatred that will never wane again. How many years, how many times does it take?
There comes a time when you must take accountability for allowing yourself to continue being the puppet.
For me, personally, that time is way overdue.
The preference for amicable, friendly and peaceful interactions no longer takes priority over what is best for ME. Yes, ME because godamnit I am important and a priority, to ME. Long overdue is a time where I control my hopes, dreams and the health of my spirit.
He didn't deserve me, all that I am and can be, when I met him, nor anytime in the years that followed and most definitely not now.
I have learned, that I have much to learn. I am still quite shell-shocked that any person can have so little personal growth and yet give the appearance that betrays the reality. It scares me.
I am wiping that slate. Every last %.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011


Wow what a day. I can't put too much out here in blog land, but my goodness I have had a pretty emotional day. Today someone pretty much told me I am doing a crap job. All because an outside supplier is taking their time getting something to us for him. Its the ONLY thing that's been an issue for this client, and now he is focusing on that and blaming me for it. I HAVE to suck it up. Because at the end of the day my job is to help him.

Sometimes I invest more hours in the office than I should. Today I was there for over 10 hours. It hurts to be accused of doing a shit job. Because I put my heart and my soul into my job. Its an honour to do what I do, but at the end of the day, I am blessed. I must remember that nothing in my life can compare to what these people are going through, and soemtimes it takes someone to tell me I am doing a crap job to make me reflect. And I know I'm not doing a crappy job. But his reaction is that of a broken man. A grieving man, and all I can hope for him is that by releasing his anger on me he has taken some pressure off his heart. As for me....I'll get over it. I have the choice to get over my hurt....he doesn't.

Monday, July 4, 2011


I know back about 2 years ago I said I would never, ever have optional surgery ever again. Well I have been seriously cosidering a boob job. I am pretty ok with how my body is post losing 55kg. The lose skin doesn't bother me too much, but the loss of my boobs is really bothering me. Pre op I was bordering on a C, on the weekend I bought a AA. When my husband said, "I don't even know what that means." I told him that a AA is just about smaller than a starter bra!! Like a kid would wear!! Its not that boobs define you, its more about me feeling comfortable. I can't get tops to fit nicely....who would have thought 2 years ago this would be soemthing I was even thinking about????

So I am researching........probably never happen....but you gotta have a dream right?