Ouch.....

Wow what a day. I can't put too much out here in blog land, but my goodness I have had a pretty emotional day. Today someone pretty much told me I am doing a crap job. All because an outside supplier is taking their time getting something to us for him. Its the ONLY thing that's been an issue for this client, and now he is focusing on that and blaming me for it. I HAVE to suck it up. Because at the end of the day my job is to help him.

Sometimes I invest more hours in the office than I should. Today I was there for over 10 hours. It hurts to be accused of doing a shit job. Because I put my heart and my soul into my job. Its an honour to do what I do, but at the end of the day, I am blessed. I must remember that nothing in my life can compare to what these people are going through, and soemtimes it takes someone to tell me I am doing a crap job to make me reflect. And I know I'm not doing a crappy job. But his reaction is that of a broken man. A grieving man, and all I can hope for him is that by releasing his anger on me he has taken some pressure off his heart. As for me....I'll get over it. I have the choice to get over my hurt....he doesn't.

BOOBS........

I know back about 2 years ago I said I would never, ever have optional surgery ever again. Well I have been seriously cosidering a boob job. I am pretty ok with how my body is post losing 55kg. The lose skin doesn't bother me too much, but the loss of my boobs is really bothering me. Pre op I was bordering on a C, on the weekend I bought a AA. When my husband said, "I don't even know what that means." I told him that a AA is just about smaller than a starter bra!! Like a kid would wear!! Its not that boobs define you, its more about me feeling comfortable. I can't get tops to fit nicely....who would have thought 2 years ago this would be soemthing I was even thinking about????

So I am researching........probably never happen....but you gotta have a dream right?

Keep up...its a mish mash!

OK so its been a while......and I don't think I'd be me if it wasn't, so I hope you haven't come to expect anything else!

I've been to the specialist. She says its not the thyroid. So she has referred me to another specialist who covers imbalances in organs ie kidney & liver. I haven't had another episode. I am making an effort to eat regularly to stave it off.

I was thinking of starting a new blog, but I have just decided to let this one evolve with me. I know its no longer about my weight loss, but seriously I don't need to focus on that anymore so this is now just going to be about me.

I need somewhere to put it all down. Although I won't be as open as I'd like to be...but meh....being open is what got me into a mess in the first place :P

I feel really....ummm.......off kilter. I have no idea why. I have a good life, we aren't struggling, I love my job, I love our house, our Daughter is the absolute highlight of my life......but I don't feel happy. I don't know what to do. I have occasions where I could curl up and cry and 10 minutes later all is fine, and I am looking forward to something. Its driving me insane. I'm not sure if its my heart convincing my head to be scattered, or my head telling my heart things.

I feel like I need an escape. Like I just need to get away. But I don't want to get away. I just want to go sit on a cliff somewhere with some music and just lose myself. I decided that maybe a good way to get time to myself was to start running, so I have downloaded the C25k (couch to 5 k) running program. I am now just waiting on the ipod I ordered to arrive then I will do it. The only thing is I BET you $5 Sarah will want to come with me.......I am tempted to buy a ten visit pass to the gym so for the first couple of weeks I can go there after she's gone to bed, and just lose myself in it. I don't want to have to drag her with me...no doubt she'll be talking and stopping and starting.........

I even considered church. Maybe I can get some guidance there. But I don't even know what church to start with.......Gah my head is all over the place!!

In the mean time I'll just pump up the music and lose myself.......

Had my ultrasound today.....

Ok so today I had my ultrasound. Took all of 2 minutes. Went to the dr for the results. I have nodules on my thyroid. There is at least 3. I am sure she said one was 5cm. But maybe she said 5mm. She has referred me to a specialist. She mentioned the C word, and then I didn't hear much else. I got in to the specialist tomorrow at 3pm, so mum is coming with me. They might do a biopsy, but I am not sure if they do that tomorrow or another day. I do have a friend in the greenslopes having the sleeve done tomorrow, so bonus is I'll be right there I can visit her! Was going to send her flowers, now I can deliver them!! Silver lining and all that!

Sunday love...

I stole this idea, or her suggestion, from Liz, over at This that and everything else. This is the first time I have worked out how to link a blog!!! Whoot go me!!!

I have a love for coffee. Today it took 3 yes 3 coffee's for the coffee shop I was at to get my coffee in the right sized cup, and then they forgot the 2nd shot. I hate nothing more than paying for crappy coffee. Luckily the company was good!!

I also love markets, which I wandered around today. I wish I had spent more time wandering around, and oen day I will buy one of the skirts I keep eyeing off everytime I go there :P

Time for an update!

After my last post things started to turn a little weird for me. I have been having erratic thoughts, heart palpatations, racing pulse, shaking hands and a few other things. I went to the dr to see if they had any answers for me. They did a pregnancy test. Negative. They did discover a UTI, that I had no indication of. Then they took blood. After 3 attempts of getting back to the dr to get the results the dr (who is fantastic and I think will become my regular dr!)sists me down and says.
Has your heart been racing?
You shaking?
Trouble sleeping?
Head all over the place?
Feel like you are always buzzing?
I was like, Um YES to all of those things!
Turns out I have an overactive thyroid. That also might explain why I have been having trouble keeping weight on.

I am a little ashamed to admit that I am a little worried about them getting it under control. What if they get it under control and I start to gain weight? I'm not sure how I'd feel about that. I am so happy with where I am right now, weight wise.

I was ready to tell my husband that I needed to get away for a few days on my own. The morning before I got the results I was feeling like everything was suffocating me. I thought I was going crazy.

So I have no real idea what the plan of attack is. I have an ultrasound on Tuesday to see what needs to happen from here. But after reading some dr google it does all make sense!

I fear I am becoming one of those people.....

that just leech. I am in a funk. I have no idea how to get out of it. It seems that everything is up, then plunk. I smack back into the earth at full place. I have been neglecting friends when I need them the most. But I have a wonderful bunch of girlfriends (and boyfriends :) ) who are always happy to listen to my whinging, but I fear that one day they'll just give up on me. I wouldn't blame them if they did. My highs can be so great, but my lows leave me feeling really flat. Most of the people who I know personally, know what my life entails, so I won't go into it, but my god, is this what its all about? Is my life determined to always be like this? I hope not. With all that I am, I hope not. But I lack the strength that I need to fix it. I guess I am too lazy to follow through. This week at work we are looking after a lady who I am sure who happily be enjoying her family right now, and I feel so ungrateful. This lady has me questioning my own mortality. On my death bed I don't want to look back with regrets. I want to look back and say I gave it my best shot. If that was to happen tomorrow I am afraid that I wouldn't be able to do that.
I thought that losing weight would be the end to all my problems. The only thing different is my clothes are a size 8-10. Nothing else has changed. I have plenty more energy, but not the will to do anything.