2 years since my last update!

These goals were from my last blog:


So its time to set some goals!

• Get on a plane (I have a flight booked for Late September!!!) Done, and I have done 2 flights since, I've also go a holiday booked to FIJI in 2015!
  
•  I want to learn how to run. I have new shoes. I have the C25K program on my phone. I just haven't done anything about it. Did that, didn't like it :P
  
• Spend less time on the computer.....I'm working on this......I have deleted the games I play on facebook........but I seem to have replaced it with mindless browsing! I am no longer an active forum member on any forums.
  
• De-clutter and get our house ready to list for sale........I am working on this. I have had a bit of an ebay fire sale happening!! Although I did acquire a bread maker on Tuesday.....thats not going very well to help me de-clutter...... Sold our house and bought our dream home, we've been living there for over 12 months
  
• drink less coffee Yeah....not happening
  
• give more blood (I gave blood yesterday, I'd like to make it a regular occurrence. I have re-booked for November.) I'm not allowed to give blood anymore, my iron and B12 is too low
• read more - Hasn't happened either.....

I guess its time to reasses my goals, I'm pretty happy with that result!!

Goal setting!

Well, I'm certainly not going to win any awards for blogging....except maybe for erratic postings!

Now that I have been stable at my goal weight for so long its time for me to add new goals to my life.

Even though I am 55kg down...I am still me. Still lazy unmotivated me.

I have so much I want to achieve....but so little motivation.

So its time to set some goals!

• Get on a plane (I have a flight booked for Late September!!!)
•  I want to learn how to run. I have new shoes. I have the C25K program on my phone. I just haven't done anything about it.
• Spend less time on the computer.....I'm working on this......I have deleted the games I play on facebook........but I seem to have replaced it with mindless browsing!
• De-clutter and get our house ready to list for sale........I am working on this. I have had a bit of an ebay fire sale happening!! Although I did acquire a bread maker on Tuesday.....thats not going very well to help me de-clutter......
• drink less coffee
• give more blood (I gave blood yesterday, I'd like to make it a regular occurrence. I have re-booked for November.)
• read more

So there is a few goals for me to set into action......now to get my arse into gear!!! 

Life is good.....

I am at a really great place right now. My husband has a new job, his hours are so much more family friendly, and its really nice for us to sit together at night and wake up together in the morning. My life is back on track. I have fallen in love again, and it makes life so much easier. I am healthy, I am happy, I am me. Finally.

My birthday is coming.....time to reassess my goals....

Arrgggh so I tried to do this on the ipad but I failed....so here I am adding to it from the lappy.

My 33rd birthday is coming. In fact its 3 months from tomorrow. Things have changed so much since I turned 30. And other things haven't changed at all. My goal was to climb the storey bridge for my 30th. FAIL. I was going to be slim and fit. Fact of the matter is I was over 100kg, and I didn't climb the bridge. Between now and then I have lost over 50kg. BUT my fitness hasn't improved. At. All. I have the things I need, I have the motivation. I have the tunes. I have the gear. I have no drive.

Its like drawing. When I lay in bed at night, I can draw the most beautiful pictures. In reality I can't draw a goat on the white board. Much to the disgust of my nearly 7 year old. But in all fairness, neither can she :P

I think about running. I imagine the wind going past my face. The total alone time. Totally alone in my thoughts. Lost and just running. But I still can't bring myself to start. And thats all it is, I am sure. Once I start I'll be ok. But I just need to start.

Gahhhhh I hope the spring, brings fresh things to my life. Its a fresh start. In so many more ways than one....and I am looking forward to the future.

My bucket list.....

And here it starts, will add to it........will cross things off as the go......



1. Learn to run
2. Climb the story bridge
3. Concer my fear of flying
4. Travel overseas....by plane.
5. Learn to ride a motorbike.
6. get bellybutton pierced. Done

That 1%.....and why we hang onto it........

I read this blog post by Chrissy today, my god, this makes so much sense to me her blog is over here: Bloggitymoo

The 1% mentality.
In the cycle of abuse, or abusive relationships, there is a mentality that you fall victim to. It is what I refer to as the 1% mentality and forms the basis of the mentality that will inevitably keep a person in that cycle. While in counselling, I discovered the answer to what keeps a person returning.
When your life is spinning out of control, your dreams are tumbling and your days are filled with negativity, fear and deep sorrow, all you need is a snippet. A shard of light, a shred of hope and you grab that hope and hold onto it for dear life, praying, begging for it to grow and wash away the misery that your life has become.
When you love someone, all you want is to be in their arms, back in that time when you laughed together, dreamed, planned and had the world ahead of you. You never forget those times and it is the hope that remains that also keeps you there. In the typical cycle, there are always snippets of hope that rear their heads from time to time and it is those snippets that keep that hope alive.
For me, when I had been drowning in this uncontrollable sea of depression, all I needed was one good day. One day and I would be reminded that it could be good. 'See all i need to do is more of this, and he will love me enough. He will want me enough. Maybe I am good enough.' But that was never the case.
He.never.loved.me.enough.
Ever.
It is the most confronting, devastating thing, that. To realise that the one person you live for, just doesn't want you the way they should. Facing the reality that you just aren't good enough, is a knife through your soul. Your spirit. Who you are and who you could be.
That relationship ended 18months ago and yet, I have found, that I have made little personal progress.
I was doing well, or so I thought. Then, that 1% lured me back in. Just that flicker of hope, is all it takes to send you spiralling down that path of the inevitable train wreck.
There.is.no.hope.
There just isn't.
It does not exist other than in your dreams.
Then the wake up call. The cloud of doom that always hovers near, absconds with your 1%, snatches it away, leaving a trail of evil, maniacal cackles lingering, reminding you of your vulnerability, naivety and desperation.
The manipulative and self serving act that it takes to mislead someone that you know well, well enough to understand exactly what you are doing and the impact it has, fills me with a vile hatred that will never wane again. How many years, how many times does it take?
There comes a time when you must take accountability for allowing yourself to continue being the puppet.
For me, personally, that time is way overdue.
The preference for amicable, friendly and peaceful interactions no longer takes priority over what is best for ME. Yes, ME because godamnit I am important and a priority, to ME. Long overdue is a time where I control my hopes, dreams and the health of my spirit.
He didn't deserve me, all that I am and can be, when I met him, nor anytime in the years that followed and most definitely not now.
I have learned, that I have much to learn. I am still quite shell-shocked that any person can have so little personal growth and yet give the appearance that betrays the reality. It scares me.
I am wiping that slate. Every last %.

Ouch.....

Wow what a day. I can't put too much out here in blog land, but my goodness I have had a pretty emotional day. Today someone pretty much told me I am doing a crap job. All because an outside supplier is taking their time getting something to us for him. Its the ONLY thing that's been an issue for this client, and now he is focusing on that and blaming me for it. I HAVE to suck it up. Because at the end of the day my job is to help him.

Sometimes I invest more hours in the office than I should. Today I was there for over 10 hours. It hurts to be accused of doing a shit job. Because I put my heart and my soul into my job. Its an honour to do what I do, but at the end of the day, I am blessed. I must remember that nothing in my life can compare to what these people are going through, and soemtimes it takes someone to tell me I am doing a crap job to make me reflect. And I know I'm not doing a crappy job. But his reaction is that of a broken man. A grieving man, and all I can hope for him is that by releasing his anger on me he has taken some pressure off his heart. As for me....I'll get over it. I have the choice to get over my hurt....he doesn't.