This little piggy

Life is good.....

2011-12-08T02:14:00.000-08:00

I am at a really great place right now. My husband has a new job, his hours are so much more family friendly, and its really nice for us to sit together at night and wake up together in the morning. My life is back on track. I have fallen in love again, and it makes life so much easier. I am healthy, I am happy, I am me. Finally.

My birthday is coming.....time to reassess my goals....

2011-09-01T03:20:00.000-07:00

Arrgggh so I tried to do this on the ipad but I failed....so here I am adding to it from the lappy.

My 33rd birthday is coming. In fact its 3 months from tomorrow. Things have changed so much since I turned 30. And other things haven't changed at all. My goal was to climb the storey bridge for my 30th. FAIL. I was going to be slim and fit. Fact of the matter is I was over 100kg, and I didn't climb the bridge. Between now and then I have lost over 50kg. BUT my fitness hasn't improved. At. All. I have the things I need, I have the motivation. I have the tunes. I have the gear. I have no drive.

Its like drawing. When I lay in bed at night, I can draw the most beautiful pictures. In reality I can't draw a goat on the white board. Much to the disgust of my nearly 7 year old. But in all fairness, neither can she :P

I think about running. I imagine the wind going past my face. The total alone time. Totally alone in my thoughts. Lost and just running. But I still can't bring myself to start. And thats all it is, I am sure. Once I start I'll be ok. But I just need to start.

Gahhhhh I hope the spring, brings fresh things to my life. Its a fresh start. In so many more ways than one....and I am looking forward to the future.

My bucket list.....

2011-08-10T18:41:00.000-07:00

And here it starts, will add to it........will cross things off as the go......

1. Learn to run
2. Climb the story bridge
3. Concer my fear of flying
4. Travel overseas....by plane.
5. Learn to ride a motorbike.
6. get bellybutton pierced. Done

That 1%.....and why we hang onto it........

2011-07-17T00:57:00.000-07:00

I read this blog post by Chrissy today, my god, this makes so much sense to me her blog is over here: Bloggitymoo

The 1% mentality.
In the cycle of abuse, or abusive relationships, there is a mentality that you fall victim to. It is what I refer to as the 1% mentality and forms the basis of the mentality that will inevitably keep a person in that cycle. While in counselling, I discovered the answer to what keeps a person returning.
When your life is spinning out of control, your dreams are tumbling and your days are filled with negativity, fear and deep sorrow, all you need is a snippet. A shard of light, a shred of hope and you grab that hope and hold onto it for dear life, praying, begging for it to grow and wash away the misery that your life has become.
When you love someone, all you want is to be in their arms, back in that time when you laughed together, dreamed, planned and had the world ahead of you. You never forget those times and it is the hope that remains that also keeps you there. In the typical cycle, there are always snippets of hope that rear their heads from time to time and it is those snippets that keep that hope alive.
For me, when I had been drowning in this uncontrollable sea of depression, all I needed was one good day. One day and I would be reminded that it could be good. 'See all i need to do is more of this, and he will love me enough. He will want me enough. Maybe I am good enough.' But that was never the case.
He.never.loved.me.enough.
Ever.
It is the most confronting, devastating thing, that. To realise that the one person you live for, just doesn't want you the way they should. Facing the reality that you just aren't good enough, is a knife through your soul. Your spirit. Who you are and who you could be.
That relationship ended 18months ago and yet, I have found, that I have made little personal progress.
I was doing well, or so I thought. Then, that 1% lured me back in. Just that flicker of hope, is all it takes to send you spiralling down that path of the inevitable train wreck.
There.is.no.hope.
There just isn't.
It does not exist other than in your dreams.
Then the wake up call. The cloud of doom that always hovers near, absconds with your 1%, snatches it away, leaving a trail of evil, maniacal cackles lingering, reminding you of your vulnerability, naivety and desperation.
The manipulative and self serving act that it takes to mislead someone that you know well, well enough to understand exactly what you are doing and the impact it has, fills me with a vile hatred that will never wane again. How many years, how many times does it take?
There comes a time when you must take accountability for allowing yourself to continue being the puppet.
For me, personally, that time is way overdue.
The preference for amicable, friendly and peaceful interactions no longer takes priority over what is best for ME. Yes, ME because godamnit I am important and a priority, to ME. Long overdue is a time where I control my hopes, dreams and the health of my spirit.
He didn't deserve me, all that I am and can be, when I met him, nor anytime in the years that followed and most definitely not now.
I have learned, that I have much to learn. I am still quite shell-shocked that any person can have so little personal growth and yet give the appearance that betrays the reality. It scares me.
I am wiping that slate. Every last %.

Ouch.....

2011-07-05T04:53:00.000-07:00

Wow what a day. I can't put too much out here in blog land, but my goodness I have had a pretty emotional day. Today someone pretty much told me I am doing a crap job. All because an outside supplier is taking their time getting something to us for him. Its the ONLY thing that's been an issue for this client, and now he is focusing on that and blaming me for it. I HAVE to suck it up. Because at the end of the day my job is to help him.

Sometimes I invest more hours in the office than I should. Today I was there for over 10 hours. It hurts to be accused of doing a shit job. Because I put my heart and my soul into my job. Its an honour to do what I do, but at the end of the day, I am blessed. I must remember that nothing in my life can compare to what these people are going through, and soemtimes it takes someone to tell me I am doing a crap job to make me reflect. And I know I'm not doing a crappy job. But his reaction is that of a broken man. A grieving man, and all I can hope for him is that by releasing his anger on me he has taken some pressure off his heart. As for me....I'll get over it. I have the choice to get over my hurt....he doesn't.

BOOBS........

2011-07-04T03:17:00.000-07:00

I know back about 2 years ago I said I would never, ever have optional surgery ever again. Well I have been seriously cosidering a boob job. I am pretty ok with how my body is post losing 55kg. The lose skin doesn't bother me too much, but the loss of my boobs is really bothering me. Pre op I was bordering on a C, on the weekend I bought a AA. When my husband said, "I don't even know what that means." I told him that a AA is just about smaller than a starter bra!! Like a kid would wear!! Its not that boobs define you, its more about me feeling comfortable. I can't get tops to fit nicely....who would have thought 2 years ago this would be soemthing I was even thinking about????

So I am researching........probably never happen....but you gotta have a dream right?

Keep up...its a mish mash!

2011-06-10T16:12:00.000-07:00

OK so its been a while......and I don't think I'd be me if it wasn't, so I hope you haven't come to expect anything else!

I've been to the specialist. She says its not the thyroid. So she has referred me to another specialist who covers imbalances in organs ie kidney & liver. I haven't had another episode. I am making an effort to eat regularly to stave it off.

I was thinking of starting a new blog, but I have just decided to let this one evolve with me. I know its no longer about my weight loss, but seriously I don't need to focus on that anymore so this is now just going to be about me.

I need somewhere to put it all down. Although I won't be as open as I'd like to be...but meh....being open is what got me into a mess in the first place :P

I feel really....ummm.......off kilter. I have no idea why. I have a good life, we aren't struggling, I love my job, I love our house, our Daughter is the absolute highlight of my life......but I don't feel happy. I don't know what to do. I have occasions where I could curl up and cry and 10 minutes later all is fine, and I am looking forward to something. Its driving me insane. I'm not sure if its my heart convincing my head to be scattered, or my head telling my heart things.

I feel like I need an escape. Like I just need to get away. But I don't want to get away. I just want to go sit on a cliff somewhere with some music and just lose myself. I decided that maybe a good way to get time to myself was to start running, so I have downloaded the C25k (couch to 5 k) running program. I am now just waiting on the ipod I ordered to arrive then I will do it. The only thing is I BET you $5 Sarah will want to come with me.......I am tempted to buy a ten visit pass to the gym so for the first couple of weeks I can go there after she's gone to bed, and just lose myself in it. I don't want to have to drag her with me...no doubt she'll be talking and stopping and starting.........

I even considered church. Maybe I can get some guidance there. But I don't even know what church to start with.......Gah my head is all over the place!!

In the mean time I'll just pump up the music and lose myself.......

Had my ultrasound today.....

2011-05-31T04:48:00.000-07:00

Ok so today I had my ultrasound. Took all of 2 minutes. Went to the dr for the results. I have nodules on my thyroid. There is at least 3. I am sure she said one was 5cm. But maybe she said 5mm. She has referred me to a specialist. She mentioned the C word, and then I didn't hear much else. I got in to the specialist tomorrow at 3pm, so mum is coming with me. They might do a biopsy, but I am not sure if they do that tomorrow or another day. I do have a friend in the greenslopes having the sleeve done tomorrow, so bonus is I'll be right there I can visit her! Was going to send her flowers, now I can deliver them!! Silver lining and all that!

Sunday love...

2011-05-29T00:19:00.000-07:00

I stole this idea, or her suggestion, from Liz, over at This that and everything else. This is the first time I have worked out how to link a blog!!! Whoot go me!!!

I have a love for coffee. Today it took 3 yes 3 coffee's for the coffee shop I was at to get my coffee in the right sized cup, and then they forgot the 2nd shot. I hate nothing more than paying for crappy coffee. Luckily the company was good!!

I also love markets, which I wandered around today. I wish I had spent more time wandering around, and oen day I will buy one of the skirts I keep eyeing off everytime I go there :P

Time for an update!

2011-05-27T17:35:00.000-07:00

After my last post things started to turn a little weird for me. I have been having erratic thoughts, heart palpatations, racing pulse, shaking hands and a few other things. I went to the dr to see if they had any answers for me. They did a pregnancy test. Negative. They did discover a UTI, that I had no indication of. Then they took blood. After 3 attempts of getting back to the dr to get the results the dr (who is fantastic and I think will become my regular dr!)sists me down and says.
Has your heart been racing?
You shaking?
Trouble sleeping?
Head all over the place?
Feel like you are always buzzing?
I was like, Um YES to all of those things!
Turns out I have an overactive thyroid. That also might explain why I have been having trouble keeping weight on.

I am a little ashamed to admit that I am a little worried about them getting it under control. What if they get it under control and I start to gain weight? I'm not sure how I'd feel about that. I am so happy with where I am right now, weight wise.

I was ready to tell my husband that I needed to get away for a few days on my own. The morning before I got the results I was feeling like everything was suffocating me. I thought I was going crazy.

So I have no real idea what the plan of attack is. I have an ultrasound on Tuesday to see what needs to happen from here. But after reading some dr google it does all make sense!

I fear I am becoming one of those people.....

2011-05-16T01:41:00.000-07:00

that just leech. I am in a funk. I have no idea how to get out of it. It seems that everything is up, then plunk. I smack back into the earth at full place. I have been neglecting friends when I need them the most. But I have a wonderful bunch of girlfriends (and boyfriends :) ) who are always happy to listen to my whinging, but I fear that one day they'll just give up on me. I wouldn't blame them if they did. My highs can be so great, but my lows leave me feeling really flat. Most of the people who I know personally, know what my life entails, so I won't go into it, but my god, is this what its all about? Is my life determined to always be like this? I hope not. With all that I am, I hope not. But I lack the strength that I need to fix it. I guess I am too lazy to follow through. This week at work we are looking after a lady who I am sure who happily be enjoying her family right now, and I feel so ungrateful. This lady has me questioning my own mortality. On my death bed I don't want to look back with regrets. I want to look back and say I gave it my best shot. If that was to happen tomorrow I am afraid that I wouldn't be able to do that.
I thought that losing weight would be the end to all my problems. The only thing different is my clothes are a size 8-10. Nothing else has changed. I have plenty more energy, but not the will to do anything.

2 year anniversary.......

2011-04-19T00:16:00.000-07:00

Well tomorrow it will be 2 years since I took the plunge and did something entirley selfish, and did something for no one but me.

This time 2 years ago, I bet I was starving! I bet all I could think about was food! I bet that I was nervous as hell. Who wouldn't be? Who in their right mind, would ask a surgeon to remove the majority of their stomach to assist them with weightloss.
Well opinions I have encountered since the surgery say that its only the fat people who are too lazy to get off their arse and do something about it themselves that would resort to something so drastic.

Not true. Prior to having my op, I had spent thousands on diets. Shakes, Pills, measured meals, drinking apple cider vinegar. God, I tried everything. And every time I failed. I'd lose ten kilos, then I would gain 15. Then summer would roll around and I'd have made it to another summer, yet again too disgusted with myself to get out and enjoy it.

I had to do something drastic. All the normal methods hadn't worked for me. And weren't doing wonders for my self esteem.

So I did it. My family suffered. I suffered. Its caused arguments, tears, hospital admissions, worries about mental stability, but mostly its provided me with freedom. The freedom to shop wherever I want to. The freedom to wear shorts and not feel embarrassed. The freedom to strutt (and trust me, I do strutt).

I want to say thank you to everyone who's been on this ride with me all along, and those who have joined in along the way. I am so proud to have been an example and an inspiration to people who have gone on to be sleeved after reading my blog and sharing my story.

On sunday we leave on a South Pacific Cruise, 2 years ago we also went on one. That is the cruise that made me realise it was time to get drastic. The photos from that cruise had me in tears. The photos from this cruise will have me proudly smiling and most likely showing off my tummy!!

Live like we're dying.......because we are.......

2011-04-12T21:45:00.000-07:00

Sometimes we fall down, can't get back up

We're hiding behind skin that's too tough

How come we don't say I love you enough

Till it's to late, it's not too late

Our hearts are hungry for a food that won't come

And we could make a feast from these crumbs

And we're all staring down the barrel of a gun

So if your life flashed before you,

What would you wish you would've done

Yeah, we gotta start

Looking at the hands of the time we've been given

If this is all we got and we gotta start thinking

If every second counts on a clock that's ticking

Gotta live like we're dying

We only got 86,400 seconds in a day to

Turn it all around or to throw it all away

We gotta tell them that we love them

While we got the chance to say

Gotta live like we're dying

And if your plane fell out of the skies

Who would you call with your last goodbye

Should be so careful who we live out our lives

So when we long for absolution,

There'll no one on the line,

yeah Yeah,

we gotta start Looking at the hands of the time we've been given

If this is all we got and we gotta start thinking

If every second counts on a clock that's ticking

Gotta live like we're dying

We only got 86,400 seconds in a day to

Turn it all around or to throw it all away

We gotta tell them that we love them

While we got the chance to say

Gotta live like we're dying

Like we're dying, oh, like we're dying.

We only got 86,400 seconds in a day to

Turn it all around or to throw it all away

We gotta tell them that we love them

While we got the chance to say

Gotta live like we're dying

You never know a good thing till it's gone

You never see a crash till it's head on

Why do we think we're right when we're dead wrong

You never know a good thing till it's gone

Yeah, we gotta start

Looking at the hands of the time we've been given

If this is all we got and we gotta start thinking

If every second counts on a clock that's ticking

Gotta live like we're dying

We only got 86,400 seconds in a day to

Turn it all around or to throw it all away

We gotta tell them that we love them

While we got the chance to say

Gotta live like we're dying

Like we're dying, oh, like we're dying..

We only got 86,400 seconds in a day to

Turn it all around or to throw it all away

We gotta tell them that we love them

While we got the chance to say

Gotta live like we're dying..

Do yourself a favour.....listen to it....its by Kris Allen.....lovely song.....and so true.

I am an awesome blogger......

2011-03-08T17:45:00.000-08:00

when I lay down at night. But then when I go to actually 'write' in my blog, it all slides away. What I want to say sounds so awesome in my head at 11pm at night, then in the morning, not so much! I did consider getting up to write everything down, then I decided that my body actually deserved some sleep!

Last night I went to bed on a massive high. I had been on the forum where I have got all of my support from over the last 2 years. I had a great chat with other sleevers and a couple of people said they had been reading my blog, or had seen my you tube video, and that they found me an inspiration.

That's exactly why I put myself out there. I want to be that person that convinces people to do something so drastic to allow them to get their lives back. I am aware that I put a lot of myself out there into the www. I am not a very private person (much to my husbands dismay.) But I am who I am *shrug*.

I am buzzing today. I have no idea why. I could attribute it to the music I have pumping in my headphones. Music go change my mood so easily. I type to the beat, and tap my feet.

Life is good....today! I am so blessed. My job makes me so greatful for what I have.....now if only I could remember what I was going to blog about today.......

OMG.........my arms.....

2011-02-28T01:10:00.000-08:00

I have NEVER EVER stayed at a steady weight ever. I currenly steady but a photo taken on the weekend has shocked me. Thats me in the pink on the right. I still have the mental battle that I have always had. I still have that urge to eat stuff I shouldn't. My diet is shocking. I really need to do some exercise and work on my muscle tone. My bum is still painful. I can't sit for a long time without pain, and if a chair isn't padded it can bring tears to my eyes. In my usual form I am having issues putting what I want to say into words. But this photo makes me realise that I really need to work on myself. My arms shocked me.
On the weekend I had a full body massage and it was so weird to feel her making contact with my bones. Usually I would worry about what the massage therapist would think of me. This time I was thinking my god she can feel all my bones. Its gone from one extreme to the other.

OMG....swoon

2011-01-31T21:55:00.000-08:00

I'd work my arse off to make him proud.......

So we made it through January.....

2011-01-31T15:43:00.000-08:00

I had a good feeling about 2011. I have no idea why but I just did. So welcome to February!!

January has seen the rekindling of a friendship...which I am really happy about. It's seen the start of year one for my daughter. A visit from a friend from up north, and the beginings of a wonderful journey for her.

I have something on EVERY weekend in Feb. That NEVER happens. So I'm gonna live it up!!

And I think its finally time that I quit smoking. Since my op, I have had an aversion to the smell of it. I didn't have one for at least 3 months post op, then stupidly took it up again. Everyday I witness people dying from smoking related illness. I know better, I honestly do. But I have no idea why I continue to do it. I don't like the smell nor the taste. I only have one or two a day....I don't smoke at work...that was as a result of trying to prove a point to a colleague about how much time she was spending outside smoking instead of working. So I think that its time I gave it a serious go.

I am finally the size I have always wanted to be....now its time to work on my fitness. We'll see how I go! I'm not very good at keeping promises.....my new years resolution isn't going so well. My intention was to go to bed early and read instead of wasting hours in front of the computer or tv......well lastnight I managed to waster hours in fron tof both...headed to bed at 11.30pm.....and read for 1/2 an hour. So it seems like I am rebelling....against myself :P

suicide mentioned I feel such a desperate need to help educate...

2011-01-27T02:59:00.000-08:00

but I have no idea where to start. Its become apparent to me that a lot of people don't appreciate the finality of death. Today I was talking to a colleague who works for a different company. They are currently involved with 2 families of young suicide victims. One 13, one 14, one a gunshot wound, one a hanging. That to me is amazing. Amazing that 2 people so young could even contenplate suicide, let alone do it successfully. Its devistating, and it makes me wonder do they do it because they have lost all hope, or because they think "I'll show 'em". Do they not realise that its final. Over. Done. No coming back from it? It breaks my heart that there are children (and adults) out there who are so desperate that they can see no other solution.

I wonder if along with sex education we should be talking about depression, and where to get help, and who to talk to.

Its all well and good for a child who thinks no one cares to have 100's of people turn up to their funeral. Its too late then for people to be sprouting about what a wonderful person they were. Tell the people you love and care about now, how much they mean to you. Don't let them ever feel like they are alone. People need to be told they matter. That you love them. Please if you know someone who is suffering, reach out, tell them you care. Love them, and help them see that they matter to you.

I am so desperate to get out there and educate people, but I have no idea where to start. Life doesn't need to end, it needs to improve, and hopefully we can help people fix whatever it is that makes them feel unimportant.

**disclaimer** I know that for people with mental health issues, this runs much deeper, but more and more I am witnessing people (read: children) who are doing this because they have no friends (or think they have no friends), or they get a note sent home from the teacher and they are terrified of a parents response. Its just so horrific :( And we as a community need to do something about it.

The importance of asking for help........especially for men

2011-01-26T18:00:00.000-08:00

This blog just breaks my heart. I have been following Lori's blog for a while. She is awesome. She is funny and her blog is well worth a read.

But.....recently her husband had what I think is a manic episode, and hung himself, he did it in front of her, he survived, and Lori had to make the heartbreaking decision to turn off his life support. The blog now consists of her journey of grief. Its heartbreaking, you can hear her pain in her words. People close to her are telling her that she is too raw on her blog, that she probably shouldn't be blogging about his death and her grief. But I get it. I understand why in this day and age, she feels the need to blog. Blogging is thereputic for a lot of people, and a lot of Lori's friends are from her blog followers list.

Lori is trying to get the message out there (Particularly to men) about the importance of opening up. In her eulogy to Tony she emplored the men at the service to speak up if something was bothering them. I hope that this entry can encourage you to ask your men (or if you are one) to speak up.

Life is about living, not struggling to survive. If someone you know needs help with depression please get them to contact Beyond Blue .

Share the love

2011-01-24T04:00:00.000-08:00

A friend had a great idea about a share the love blog. If you want to get in on the action, click the above link!

As summer holidays come to an end......

2011-01-20T04:19:00.000-08:00

My baby is starting grade 1 on Monday. I miss having a baby, but as much as I say I'd love another one, I am really loving her at 6. She is just so much fun. This week daddy has been on holidays and off his own bat he has spent the entire week with her. It's been lovely for them to spend som quality one on one time together. I feel such a buzz knowing that he had the opportunity to send her to vacation care, but he opted to spend time with her.

This week I had the pleasure of spending some time with a friend I made on the Internet. We have met on two other occasions, one being when she flew down to surprise me at a coffee meet. She flew down with her baby just to see me. What an awesome chick...anyway I digress....this week she flew down to have the gastric sleeve done. She was booked to be done in cairns, but wasn't happy with her surgeon, so decided to come down to mine. I picked her up at the airport, and took her to some appointments to get ready for surgery the next day. The poor bugger was so nervous, but it made my heart sing when she told me that she felt at ease with my surgeon. I was nervous for her, I kinda felt a little bit of responsibility for her well being while she was here and so far from her loved ones. But I am so very please to report that her op went well, and she heads off home tomorrow to recover in the comfort of her own home. I know ghat this will be life changingnfor her and I am so proud of her making the decision to change her life and her sons life. Its onwards and upwards for her from here. Bring on a safe and gentle journey for her. I love her lots and lots xo who would have ever thought that the internet could be responsible for such a beautiful friendship!

The devastation....

2011-01-13T13:42:00.000-08:00

It's so hard to put into words the devastation that Qld has experienced this month.
Its been such an emotional time, and for someone who hasn't been affected personally , I can't even begin to comprehend what it'd be like to be there in the front line. I am finding the coverage difficult to watch. Not because I want to bury my head in the sand and pretend it doesn't exist, but because I can't get out there and help. Due to the nature of our business I know that we will be needed eventually, and its terrible knowing that there is so many people out there unaccounted for. The absolute panic people must be in. There are parents who can't locate children, children who can't locate parents. Its just to incomprehensible. I hope that the community can come together and ease the suffering of those in need.....even if its just a tiny bit.

Stylish blogger award!!

2011-01-07T19:58:00.000-08:00

I got a blog award from Megan over at Living a truly blessed life! Thank you Megan!! To recieve this award I have to:

* Thank and link back to the person who gave me this award.
* Share 7 things about myself.
* Pay it forward to 15 recently discovered great bloggers.
* Contact those bloggers and tell them about the award.

7 things about me:

1. I love to wander the shops. Not to spend money just to wander.
2. I am a people watcher. Could do it all day!
3. I over dramatise things.....just ask my dad!!
4. I'm a lover...in my head.....everything is so romantic up here!!
5. I watch too much TV and should read more
6. I am skinny. Never ever thought I'd be able to say that
7. I love being a mummy. Its the best job in the world.

http://lifeincatspyjamas.blogspot.com
http://somethingiloveis.blogspot.com/
http://random-pondering.blogspot.com/
http://inlucyswords.blogspot.com/
http://amybloggingaboutbub.blogspot.com/
http://www.beadingmumma.blogspot.com/
http://sofrenchy-sochic.blogspot.com/
http://undomesticmumma.blogspot.com/
http://swisali.blogspot.com/
http://www.themisadventuresofabuffbride.blogspot.com/
http://paparazzibride.blogspot.com/
http://thisthatandeverythingelse.wordpress.com/
http://livinglusciouslea.blogspot.com/
http://www.tlhtc.blogspot.com/

http://feistykel.blogspot.com

Oh My Freaking God this has been much harder than it looks, and I couldn't get the links to work properly with blog names instead of addresses!!

An update on my princess....

2011-01-03T21:52:00.000-08:00

Well its all done, and she's sleeping it off at home with Daddy. They took out one tooth, capped another one, filled a couple, and put a space saver where they took the tooth out. She has one disolvable stitch. I am glad she's sleeping cause they gave her a local and she didn't like the feeling of her face being numb, so hopefully when she wakes up that will have worn off. I just hope the recovery is nice and smooth for her. She wouldn't just put the mask on so thye had to give her a sedative, so I dare say thats hy she's taking so long to wake up, rather than the general knocking her around. Poor monkey. I hate seeing her like that. About 20 minutes after she had the sedative (which took some convincing to get her to take) her eyes were rolling back in her head and she was floppy. We (I!) still had to hold her down for them to be able to get the mask on her God I feel like I've been through the wringer today Not as bad as she'll feel when she wakes up though

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

2011-01-03T11:06:00.000-08:00

Hey and happy new year to you all!
Its 5am and I am up at stupid o'clock for a good reason. My baby girl is having her teeth done today under GA, the dentist has no idea what needs doing, because she refused to even get up in the chair for an examination. All the dentist knows is that my darling is waking with a tooth ache. She can't eat after 5am, and her appointment is at 11am, so we got up at 4.30 to feed her!

I have taken her to the dentist 3 times, in the hope to encourage good healthy dental habits. The first dentist hurt her, the 2nd dentist got so far as having a tooth ready for filling, and she refused to let them do anymore, and the 3rd the other day when we organised for today. Its an extreme way to deal with it, but hopefully today's visit is positive. One thing I have promised is that she'll never have to go and see the pediatric dentist again, or at least this one. How she ever got into pediatric dental work amazes me! She told S that she HAD to get into the chair, and if she didn't she'd send mummy away! Reassuring to a six year old? No? No I didn't think so either!

I have found S's currency. The day we went to the dentist I booked her into dancing through school. She has wanted to do it for ages, so I told her that I would organise for dancing if she was brave at the dentist. Ah... blackmail at its finest!!

She's actually being much braver than I expected. I hope it doesn't all fall apart at the seams when we get there!
She is expecting a mask with 'giggle gas' in it. She's been telling everyone her latest joke, what goes ha ha ha *snore*? Sarah.....on giggle gas!

So fingers crossed for a successful appointment today!!

Onto other things!

So my first skinny healthy New Years has come and gone, and for a night spent at home I had a lot of fun! My husband bought me 3 little bottles of champagne. I said to him, why did you buy 3???? Theres no way I'll ever get through 3!! Well turns out we were 50/50. I did manage 2. The funny thing with this sleeve is that alcohol leaves me legless very very quickly, but I sober up very very quickly too. So the first bottle left me being stupid, the 2nd bottle said go to bed or you'll pay for it tomorrow. So I went to bed, woke up hangover free and ready to get out and enjoy life in 2011. I told my husband that 2011 is our year. Our year to really work on US, as a couple and a family!! My year was 2009-2010 and I took up a lot of time for my recovery and they stood by me through the lenghty process it was. So far so good!!

Bring it on.....and happy new year!

Another year comes to an end....and we know what that means!!??

2010-12-21T21:20:00.000-08:00

Resolutions!!
I have never been one to stick to a resolution. Mostly because they were to go on a diet, or to get fit. But this year I want to set one that is entirely achievable, so I will.

My resolution for 2011, is to go to bed!! I waste so much time sitting in front of my laptop, watching so much mind numbing television, when I could be in bed. I am going to start reading again. I love to disappear into a book, and really have no excuse what so ever to not be reading. I have a heap of non fiction books and also some motivational books in a pile to read. So I am going to start tonight. I might have to be Reading on the couch for a while before bed, but I aim to turn the TV off by 9-930 and lose myself. My DD is still needing to be taken to the toilet about 10.30pm so bedtime for me gets put off so I can take her to the toilet. I'd rather go to bed later and not have to do a load of washing before work in the morning.

So I will try to start tonight!! Will see how I go, its an easy one to stick to.....but I bet I don't...but isn't that the whole point of resolutions?

My first taste of negativity...

2010-12-17T19:43:00.001-08:00

and it doesn't bother me really because its not someone I know. Someone posted this about me in a forum I visit:
No offence but what is not exercising doing for your health? Nothing good. I would be concerned about your bone density, cardiovascular health and well being. Just because you are "skinny" now doesn't mean you are healthy and well from those photos you even looked a little bit drained and even undernourished.

I think going the surgery is cheating and lazy and will not have any good long term health effects if you do not combine it with exercise! Makes me sad.

My reply:
When a lot of the skinner photos were taken I was drained and under nourished. The surgery hasn't been an easy fix. I am 32. What would you rather I do, stay fat for the rest of my life? I tried on my own and I failed. Hundreds of times. I didnt go into this lightly. It cost me a lot of money, time and tears. I wondered if I'd done the right thing, my family thought I'd die because I lost too much weight. This has been far from easy.

But its had the desired outcome, and now I can stay awake for a whole day, I don't need to nap on the couch after going shopping at 10am. I have energy, last night my daughter and I even ran, just to the toilets whilst out, but 2 years ago, I would have been puffingn like an idiot and knocking people over.

I am not ashamed of what I have done, I am now where I want to be and after years of failure I intend to enjoy myself.

1/2 of who I was....

2010-11-30T03:13:00.000-08:00

This is going to be tough to type, not because I am emotional, but because my husband sharpens our knifes to within an inch of their lives, and thankfully the bone in my thumb has just prevented me from cutting it off, whilst making his lunch!

I don't weigh myself anymore. I don't bother. But today I went and bought a dress. I walked into the shop, saw one I loved (still getting used to that!) tried it on in a ten, tried it on in an eight and bought it! But standing there in the change room I noticed just how much of my ribs you can see. My chest is just bones, so I thought I'd weigh in to see if I have actually lost some weight. Turns out I have lost another kilo. No idea how, but its gone. Its kinda weird, I know I shouldn't be losing more weight, but its so empowering to be half the woman I was. 2 Christmas's ago I was dreading christmas day. It was always hot and unbearable, 1 christmas ago I was having issues, and was sick as a dog. This christmas I will be as strong as an ox!!!

Bring it on!!

Finally, My birthday wish...granted.......

2010-11-01T03:23:00.000-07:00

This is me at my 30th birthday.....

This is me at my 32nd birthday!

Finally a birthday photo I wasn't afraid of having taken!! Woo Hoo!!!

Something to do.....

2010-10-10T04:54:00.000-07:00

I find myself falling asleep during the day, but unable to sleep at night. I get heaps done! Tonight I have done a weeks ironing, cleaned the kitchen, done a load of washing, on to my 2nd one. I have made 2 lots of cookies and have a frozen batch in the freezer! I am about to get up and hang out the 2nd load, and make lunches for tomorrow. Hopefully then I'll manage to get some sleep!

Anyway whilst filling in time waiting for the washing I found these poems that I love and have on my computer. So thought I'd post them here so I dont lose them!

I don’t want you to protect me when you feel like it..
I don’t want you to love me when things are happy and perfect…
I don’t want you to be there for me and look after me when I ask for it..
…
Protect me, even when we’re fighting…
Love me, even when we’re falling apart…
Be there for me, even when I say I don’t need you…
…
That’s what love is… that’s what I need..
__________________________________________________________________

My oath to you…..
When you are sad…… I will dry your tears
When you are scared…I will comfort your fears
When you are worried…I will give you hope
When you are confused…I will help you cope
And when you are lost, and can’t see the light
I shall be your beacon, shining ever so bright
This is my oath, I pledge to the end.

Oh.My.God. The gluttens!

2010-10-09T05:00:00.000-07:00

I have no idea if I spelt that correctly or not, but tonight has been an eye opener. I have just gotten home from dinner at Sizzler. We had a friend down from Mackay so our entire family + extras met her and her daughters at Sizzler for dinner. I can't believe that sizzler still have such a huge following! The que was out the door and around the corner!
People are just amazing. There is no time limit, yet everyone stumbles over each other to fill up their plates. At the desert bar there was a woman telling her friend to load up 2 plates so they didn't have to come back between plate loads, meanwhile others are waiting for the plates to be replenished. There was a table of kids near us, they were stuffing themselves like they'd never eaten before!

I was so embarrassed for people!

Truth be told, if I hadn't had my surgery, I would have been them. Thank god for my sleeve.

In other news......

there is something going on with my body. I am having panic attack type things where I feel like I need to eat and I need to eat right now. I used to get this pre sleeve, but just in the last few weeks its been getting worse. I am trying to increase my intake to stop the hunger panic happening. But I don't get hungry, so I can't judge my need to eat, I really only eat because I have to. I eat junk, and its my downfall. I think I might be needing to get my blood sugar level checked. I don't know if its because I am going slightly glyco or something, but it makes me feel terrible. I get the shakes, and hot spots on my arms, my face goes numb and I feel panicky. Its weird. So I will head off to the dr to get checked out. As I said above we just got back from sizzler and I felt like that. I had just eaten more than I usually do and I felt this weird feeling coming over me, like I had to eat. So I've had a coffee and a fruit filled bar and I'm off to bed to see if I wake up feeling better tomorrow!
Good night all!

Life is good.....

2010-10-04T18:24:00.000-07:00

You know I really am so blessed. Yeah I have my issues, but who doesn't. I have a nice home, I make a comfortable living, I have the most precious little girl, who I am just loving to bits, even A is being a good boy!

My darling turned 6 on the 30th of September, and I made the cake that I had posted about previously. It was the first cake I've ever made her that I haven't been embarrassed to show others!
So here it is:

Not too bad if I do say so myself! :P And I do!

So in other news, since I blogged last, the little princess has had a dose of the chicken pox, lost a tooth, had school holidays, and now started her last term of Prep. My sister has resigned from the family company. Its left me feeling all kinds of weird. For starters, its going to be strange not to work with her.I love spending time with her, and work time is a bonus.....sometimes :P It's nice to walk away on holiday and know that someone I can trust to do my job properly is doing it. Its also brought up feelings of jealousy!! Even though I love my job, I would love soemthing that is nowhere near as responsible. I am dealing with a lot of responsibilty on a daily basis, I take my work home with me, in my head, my heart, and my computer! I can't let it go, I can't turn off, and for no reason whatsoever I get tummy drop. Bec will know what I am talking about. I have been here for 16 years in December, and I love being able to help people at the most difficult time in their lives and for them to tell me that I have eased their burden. That is why I love my job. But its a sensetive business, and I have to be empathetic at all times. Yeah I can joke with people after building up a rapor, but sometimes it'd be nice to go home at the end of a shift and my biggest responsiblity would be if the till balanced or not! Maybe I just need a holiday? I have one booked for April 2011, so I guess I can hang out till then!

I had a support group meeting on Sat for my surgeons paitents. It was really good. It was about the emotions that we deal with after weightloss. It was really quite interesting to hear others who are dealing with the exact same issues I have. There is a girl who was sleeved by my surgeon, who has also had problems not falling below a healthy weight. So its great to talk to her. Its such a great group, and I must get my butt into gear and organise a get together for us all.

Anyway I best not go on, I have all this stuff in my head to get down, so I may blog again today.......but probably not! :P
Have a nice day!

I feel blergh....

2010-09-21T04:52:00.000-07:00

I have no idea why. Maybe its because I haven't had a decent coffee for ages, read days. I am so sick of paying for crap coffee. This week, well in 2 days I have spent nearly $30 on crap coffee and I am annoyed. Why can't people make consistant coffee. I only buy it from 3 different places and only one does consistanly good coffee. But they only make it in one size, and quite frankly its too small.

It might also have to do with not having enough sleep, my own fault, really, but I can complain if I want to :P

Anyway thought it was time for a blog, so there it is, theres a lot more to whinge about, but I won't....for once!

Egh...I wanna go back to bed.....but it is improving...albeit slowly!

2010-09-14T12:00:00.000-07:00

So my day started with a good point, and a bad point. Alarm goes off, and I hear the thump thump of little feet running up the hallway, and S bounds into the bedroom and jumps up on the bed. She turns the TV on, rolls over, puts her back to me, and demands I cuddle (or cuggle in her baby talk :P ) her. So I snuggle into her, and then realise that I have a THUMPING headache. I jump out of bed and leave her to snuggle while I had a hot shower. Nope didn't work. My sister drops her kids off, the minute she's out the door, we all jump in the car to go via Hungry Jacks on the way to school for breakfast. Its not really on the way, but its new so we have to try it. Order is taken, move forward to pay, didn't check the eftpos machine, just put in my pin number and sat there waiting for her to hand over the food. She (the girl at the window) goes trotting off, and the manager comes back. All apologetic saying we mucked up the transaction, you've been charged for another cars order. It was $3.95. So instead of charging me the difference, she refunds the $3.95, then charges me the $19 for our correct breakfast. While I was waiting for all that to go through, I was thinking of the girl who served me. Obviously she was afraid to tell me she'd screwed up and had to run and get a manager to deal with it. God if that was the biggest problem she had all day, she's gonna have a good day. If only the problems we all deal with on a daily basis are so easily fixed!

Anyway, Dad is here at work today, and it must be spring. He's been runing his eye over my work space, and dying to rearrange everything. So I let him at it. One room is totally rearranged, and I have nice and tidy set of cupboards. Its stuff I have been meaning to do for ages!!

So my day is getting better, the headache is gone, its a lovely temperature, Mum and Dad are having the kids on Saturday night, we go away next weekend for the princess's birthday, and life is good....mostly :P

Oh and FTR, I was recognised out on the weekend! We were at our local show, and someone asked me if I was Lib. She was sitting next to S waiting for a turn on the massive jumping castle thingo. She knows me from a forum I frequent, and has obviously seen my pics online! I have also been a follower of her blog! It's so weird, but so nice at the same time. I wish I had the balls to approach people I recognised!

Finally you tubed my journey.....

2010-09-05T19:45:00.000-07:00

This is something I have wanted to do for a long time, but never got around to it. This weekend I sat down and finally got it done. It's not exactly what I wanted, but its better than nothing!

Enjoy...... My journey.....

Here I am again...

2010-08-23T03:29:00.000-07:00

I have had the most awesome weekend! I worked on Saturday, got heaps of work done, and finally my in tray is empty! My head feels much clearer now my desk is in order. On Sunday I had to go to Ikea to get something for my friend who doesn't have access to Ikea. So we choofed up there, daddy came and the little princess and he had $3 breakfast, he went to do the grocery shopping, she went to the kids club....and I went wandering. After kids club, we went next door and went through spotlight, then jumped in the car and went to the local "mall". All up we were shopping for 5 hours, had breakfast, cupcakes and lunch out, and topped it all off with a nanny nap! 18 months ago there is no way I could have done a marathon shopping trip like that! This is the freedom of my life now. I can go from one end of a mall and back and it doesn't wear me out like it used to!

The little princess will be little miss 6 in a month or so and this year I am going to attempt the cake. I saw this cake on a forum I visit last week and its awesome and super easy, so this will be the cake!
In true princess style she's decided she wants to stay at a hotel instead of having a party, so I am thinking we might spend what we planned on spending staying at the marriot at Surfers Paradise. She loves to swim and they have a pool that have real fish in it, she'll love it and I'll get a chance to get some sun!

Life is good!

Lots of questions

2010-08-16T16:04:00.000-07:00

Wow I have been inundated with questions about the sleeve recently. Its so good to hear that so many people know about an op that I had never even heard of before my surgeon suggested it to me! I am so proud to be an advocate for getting the word out there! I hope it turns out to be the magic pill that we've all been searching for. I can't believe how my life has changed. The confidence I feel, the power I feel when shopping. I love being able to walk into a shop and take my pick off the shelves.

Although I have learnt why woman get so discouraged with the sizes.

I bought a new denim skirt on the weekend. Didn't try it on, just picked up a size 10. Got it home, it swims on me. But I kept it because I figured that a size 8 would be too tight. Its weird to wear something that bares my knees!! They have been hidden for so long!! This is the skirt:

Also shopping related! I bought a bikini the other day, its a size 10 and its a bit too small. No freaking wonder woman feel so bad when shopping.
I love it and wonder if I should just keep it! Its a string tie on the side, it just means the strings have to be tied a bit wider than they are designed IYKWIM?? But I love it, and I doubt the shop will exchange swimwear anyway.

Anyway I better get back to work, I have taken about 3 hours to type this between phone calls and people coming to the door! I don't know work getting in the way of blogging! How dare it!!?? I don't get many comments on this blog, except fo rthe asian ones and I have NFI what they say or why they are commenting! But please don't hesitate to ever ask me any questions. This op has been the best thing I have ever done for myself, and I want to share it with the world!

Britt made me do it!

2010-08-11T19:51:00.000-07:00

I have been shamed into posting. Britt mentioned me on her blog this morning so I thought I'd better get my arse into gear and actually blog.

I guess I don't blog anymore about my journey because I am pretty much at the end of my sleeve journey. I am at a weight that I am happy with. I do look a bit too skinny, but I'm ok with that.

I guess from now on I will use this blog as a reflection on my day to day comings and goings.....if I remember. I have all these romantic notions of having a lovely blog, but I lack the imaginiation and time it takes to keep my blog interesting and pretty.

I am having a shite day. I want to go home to bed, but I have a meeting tonight at 7pm. So I am going to work till about 6.15 then head off. If I go home the little princess won't let me leave, so its easier to stay here. I also have my grandfathers funeral to attend tomorrow morning, so I need to leave things in order...

I should let you know a little about Dar. Dar was our pet name for Grandad and even in my early 30's its still what I called him. Dar has been in a nursing home for a few years. He was just about to turn 91 in a couple of days. He had his good days, his great days and his, damn you I am not getting out of bed days. I hated to go visit because I would wonder what sort of day he was having. I have been very lucky and mostly saw him on his great days! Last time the little princess and I went to visit, he was sitting in his chair in the front room of the nursing home, eating his lunch. He smiled when I told him that Nana would be happy with him eating his lunch. We had cuddles and off we went, I found it difficult to spend too much time there because sometimes he didn't even know who we were. Apparently after we visited he told Nana that a beautiful little girl had been in to visit him.
On Sunday mum called from the hospital saying he wasn't doing very well He'd been taken in by ambulance and the nurses were warning that this might be it this time (as they had done every other time he'd been admitted) Bec (my sister) called me to see if I would like to go down with her to visit him, we just had a feeling. So we told the kids we were going out, she popped in to grab me and off we went. The trip there and back was spent talking of the old days, when Dar was the Dar we knew. Laughing about the man who used to chase us down the hallway with his slipper, and the gentle giant who would let us snuggle in his lap to play with his shirt collars. He always smelt like whiskey and tobacco when we were kids. He religiously had a whiskey in the afternoons to relax.
When we got there (7pm ish) we rang mum to find out where she was, she had taken Nana home. So Bec and I went in to visit. God, I wish I could remove the image from my mind. The strong man we knew was a shell. Over the years his body had slowly gotten smaller, no big round tummy that made him look 9 months pregnant! He had a nebulizer on and was really struggling to breath, but he knew we were there. He looked at us, we stroked his hand and gave him kisses on his head. We told him that we loved him, and we left. At 10.30 we had the phone call. Our brother had gone down to visit and was with him when he took his final breath. He said it was lovely, like he'd just fallen asleep. Its almost a relief, to struggle for breath is cruel, his body had served him well, and he had given us many many lovely memories and a wonderful family.

Rest in peace Dar, you're one in a million.

Touched....

2010-06-16T05:10:00.000-07:00

Well tonight I recieved a PM (personal message) from a member of a forum I frequent who said she was in tears after reading my blog. Her post sounds just like I felt 18months ago. The absolute desperation after doing diet after diet to only gain back any losses and then some. We've all done it, I am sure. One day something has to give, you either give up, and put on a front that you are happy with who you are, or you do something drastic. Well drastic was my option after feeling like she does one too many times. The reason behind this blog post, is not only nice to know people read my blog, but that it can be the inspiration behind someone making a life changing decision.
About 9 or 10 months ago my surgeon asked me to speak at a paitent seminar as a sucessful sleever. That night there was a lady there that I have had the pleasure to get to know on and off the gastric sleeve forum, she made the decision to go ahead, and she has just had her 6 month sleeversary and lost 30+kg. Its been such an honour to share her journey and her sucess.
To know that my story will make a difference to someone else's life makes my heart smile. This is the 'magic pill' we've all been waiting for. Most private health won't cover bariatric surgery anymore (not too sure about top level cover) so it can be an expensive option, but what is your life and your health worth to you? You can get money from your super if you really want to get it done and don't have the funds to pay for it. I was lucky, my surgery was done when it was still covered, but I was still about $5000 out of pocket, but to me that doesn't matter. I am now happy with my weight, and where I am in life.
For any further info or research see www.gastricsleevesupport.com Do something for you.

Dietian visit...results!

2010-05-26T02:52:00.000-07:00

Well I had my followup with Dan tonight. Its been 4 weeks since I saw him. I have put on 1.3kg! He is happy with that. I was dreading going because I got new scales and I didn't think I'd put any weight on and I thought I was going to be in trouble! I haven't taken my reflux meds today and am starting to feel a little reflux creeping in, so when I have finished here I promise to go take it. I am feeling so good now, I have energy, I am thinking about exercise, Dan has encouraged me to wait till I hit 50-52kg before I start weights but said I'd be best to start at least walking. He siad at this stage I am too underweight for muscles to really build, so I need to be closer to a 'normal' weight before I can gain muscle.

My husband started a new job today, he is happy and its so nice to see him happy and enthused about work again. He's good at what he does, and I am sure they will be happy they took so long and so indepth looks at his job history. He'll be worth it to them.

We celebrated our 7 year wedding anniversary on the 10th of May and on the 8th of June he will become an Australian citizen. Its going to be so nice for him to travel on an Australian passport, and god knows he's so opinionated about politians, finally he'll get a say!

We have also refinanced our home loan this week, so I have been busy getting all that stuff done and tonight have transferred all our stuff from one bank to another, so hopefully now thats all gone seamlessly.

Now the princess in bed, the icecream is ready and the State of Origin is about to kick off....so I am off.

Queenslander!!!

You know...I can't for the life of me think of a title for this post.....

2010-05-19T22:02:00.000-07:00

So I have been meaning to put something in here for days, and I just haven't been motivated to get around to it.

I am wondering if my body just likes hovering around the 50kg mark. A and I broke the scales a few weeks ago trying to replace the battery in it, so on Tuesday we popped into Aldi, and there were some there for $20, so I snapped them up. They measure body fat, bone weight, and how many calories I need a day to maintain my weight. I believe that was 1023 calories, but it flashes to quickly to remember, so I'll have to work out how to do it again, and get more accurate figures.

I have been eating heaps more, but not gaining any weight. But on the upside I haven't lost anymore either. I wonder if this is where I am supposed to be? I haven't been sick, I'm not having any problems eating, finally things feel good. I feel good. And my work is getting done!

Yay for normality!

Today in the mail I received some product samples from an online friend that are flavour free and can be added to pretty much everything, it came with a book that shows how it can change the make up of a meal (ie the protein before adding and after adding). The book is called food fortification to fight frailty, and its a really great read! Thanks Kate!!

Tonight I am off to the shops to get my nails done, and stock up my top drawer (read Lolly drawer) Its so nice to have the energy back to do things after work!!

Bring on life!!

My 12 month update....

2010-05-07T04:55:00.000-07:00

OK so I have been slack again. You shouldn't really expect anything else from me....really.
The lead up to my 12 month sleeversary was spent throwing up. For some unknown reason I started to vomit everything I ate. We went to Melbourne on holiday and I hardly ate for the whole week, and when I did I had to find places to throw up. One night we had to all jump off the tram so I could spew in a park. I hurt my back in the spa because my bones were leaning on the wall, and pushing against the edge. I cried, and had a sore back the whole week. I got home and when I hit 46.8kg I panicked and rang my surgeon. I had a check up so he saw me then, told me I needed to eat more, and it didn't matter if I threw up as long as some stuff was staying down. I seemed to be able to get liquid in but nothing solid. So after I left his office (mum was with me) I got back to work and started to be sick, really violently, so mum sent me home to bed, and her and my siblings decided to stage an intervention. She rang my surgeon and cried and told him she thought she was going to lose me if something wasn't done. So he said send her up to the hospital and I'll admit her. So A packed everything up and rushed me up to the hospital. They put me on Ensure which is a high calorie shake that they give nursing home paitents, and I mostly threw that up. They kept me in hosptial for about 3 days (not sure how many I had it all posted on a forum, that was upgraded and I lost all the emotive postings I made during my recovery) When I got home I was still throwing up, and I sent an email to the surgeon, he rang me at 3.30pm and I was at the hosptial having a barium study done to see if I had a blockage (in the lead up to my admission I had an endoscopy that came up clear) They thought I may have had a slight twist in my tummy. I think they also wondered wether I was suffering from some sort of eating disorder. Anyway turns out the study was all clear and there isn't anything wrong. He did say I have a pouch thing that usually allows people to gain weight rather than lose it. Not me apparently! So anyway I decided it was up to me to get myself healthy. I met with the dietian and he told me how to add 3000 calories to my diet A DAY! So I have done what he said and this is the first 5 days I have had vomit free! I can eat, and keep it down, and twice this week I have had dinner twice! (A is an awesome cook!)
The dietitan wants me to aim for a 500 gram gain a week, I have gained 200 this week so far so its looking good. I have some photos of me at 50kg that I will add, but I am now on operation gain 10kg (At least) Who would have ever thought I'd have that problem!? I am feeling so much better, no longer full of regrets, and I can concentrate, which is making work a lot more tolerable, I was muddling through before, now I can concentrate and am not rushing at the last minute struggling for my attention to kick in.
So now I need to add some kilos then I can start on some muscle regain. My butt is funny, it looks like a 60 year old woman. My hip bones stick out and I look sick, the photos I have posted don't look too bad, but I do, I look sick, and unhealthy,
but soon I won't. Bring it on!! My surgeon and dietitian have been great through all of this, and finally I hope to be a model example for a successful sleever for them!

How to stop......help starting to worry now!

2010-04-02T20:08:00.001-07:00

Ok so I am starting to get a little concerned with the amount of weight I am losing. I weigh less than 2 of my 5 year old. I have lost more weight than I currently weigh. I am uncomfortable in bed because I have no padding between my knees. My tailbone is uncomfortable all the time. (I watched a show last week where a lady had hers removed because it stuck out so much after weightloss) I just walked past a mirror at work and I couldn't believe how skinny my arms look. I almost look skeletal. I have no idea how to stop this and my next appointment isn't till the 30th April.
I took a pic of my arm, to show you how it looks:

Any ideas on what to eat to bulk up. And don't say chips, chocolate and full cream milk cause I do all of that now!

So its 20 days from being 1 year sleeved.....

2010-03-31T18:49:00.000-07:00

I can't believe that its been 12 months since I made the decision to be sleeved. I was tired, fat, uncomfortable, unhealthy and the rest.

I am now a healthy weight, I have heaps of energy, I can cross my legs comfortably, I can sit on the couch with my knees to my chest, I can do so much more than I could, and every day I am thankful.

I would have never in 1000 years imagined that I would have the success I'd heard about. I thought I'd be a failure. When explaining the operation to people I never ever believed that I would get to a target weight, I even set my first major goal at 75kg, never thinking I'd get below that, and here I am today at 53kg. Unbelievable.

So I have posted some of the damage to my body pictures. I have a butt like a 60 year old woman, but I really only have myself to blame. I should have exercised and I didn't, and now I am wishing like hell I had. This is on my knees to show you the hang.

And front on:

And side on:

On the weekend we built Sarah a bunk bed, and I spent a lot of time on my hands and knees crawling around putting things where they belonged, and the belly hang felt really weird. But I am trying to be happy with what I have, but its weird to have hanging bits, when before it was all nice and smooth, all be it plump!

I do need to get back and see my dietitian I am very slack in that regard. I haven't seen him for ages, and I whinge about still losing weight, but I still haven't done anything about improving it. Typical lazy Libby!

Anyway that's where I am at, be back soon! Thanks for reading!

Slacker!!

2010-03-04T18:59:00.000-08:00

Arrgghhh slackity slack!!! Thought I'd post that I have 900grams to lose before I am 1/2 the woman I used to be!!
I am off to the races tomorrow, I have posted a pic of what I looked like at my last races outing and a pic of my new dress for tomorrows races!! What a difference!!

My new dress shows my knees. I never ever wear anything that shows my knees, but I guess tomorrow will prove that I can go out baring my knees now!

This is so weird. In such a short space of time so much has changed. The confidence I feel now is so high. I walk taller, and I walk with pride.

Lastnight I tried on a size 8 and it was too big!! Just such a change from this time last year, I was a 22-24. I can't believe the changes in my life since then!! I am almost 11 months out, I can't believe that its been nearly a year already!!!

I am still running into people that I know who don't recognise me, its quite empowering! Anyway till next time! Keep safe
Lib

God...I am so slack!

2010-02-23T22:04:00.000-08:00

I am so bad at this blogging thing! I decided on the weekend it was time for a change. I wanted to hack off all my hair. I took a pic into the hairdresser for her to have something to work with.
The above is the pic I took in of Katie Holmes, compared to the pic I got taken when I got home. Nothing alike...right?? I actually wanted a fringe, mum hates it when I have my hair slicked back, and I am starting to not like it either. My face is too long and narrow to wear it like that, so next hair cut I will get them to make a fringe. Its settled down heaps now, she fluffed it all up, I like it better when it sits flatter. Now just to get some colour into it, and gloss it up a bit! So this is the shortest my hair has ever been, and now a few days later I am loving it!

I have been watching a show on foxtel lately that is about plastic surgery after weightloss. And its making me want it more and more. I always said after the disaster my last operation was (the recovery really. I always said that I'd never ever have optional surgery again, but my boobs look like envelope flaps when I am standing up, cows udders when I am leaning forward, and pancakes when I am on my back. My thighs flap, my tummy has a little stretched skin that could do with tightening. I have tuckshop lady arms, that seem to be getting worse. I swear people look at the wrinkeld But I feel vain doing that, although I'd really love to!

I do need to get off my butt and join a gym, or at least start walking, I talk about it with the best intentions, but I never do it. Much like diets in the past, and we know where that got me!

Anyway thats enough from me,
Thanks for reading! Talk soon!

The wean starts....

2010-02-08T14:58:00.001-08:00

Well I have been on steriods for a week to see if they help my leg recover from nerve damage. It seems to be working!! I have started to wean off them, which is weird, who would have thought 1 week of pills then a week to wean off them! But finally I feel like I am able to walk properly. I am no longer dragging my leg behind me, and walking with a limp! I haven't nearly fallen over since my last lot of carpet burn over 3 weeks ago!! Go me!!

We have our first parent information night at school tonight. Seems that the kids have settled in well. The little princess loves coming home and telling me all about her day! Last night we had our first night of homework! Luckily its fairly basic and easy to do! She is sleeping well, and our routine seems to be falling into place. I am loving the snuggles in bed while we read a bedtime story, and she just rolls over and drifts off to sleep. This bug school stuff is tiring!

Life is good!

Basking in the glow!

2010-02-05T21:55:00.000-08:00

I am having a warm fuzzy day today. Child free night last night, we didn't get home till midnight and lay away talking to 2am. It was so nice. Slept today till 8 (unheard of!) and then toddled off to a support group meeting with the people who have had the same op and me with the same surgeon. Its so great to be able to encourage people on their journey. From those who can't see how its possible to limit your intake so much, to those who think they will never ever get to their goal weight. It seems so unatainable, 50kg sounds so massive to me, but I have been lucky enough that it just melted away. I have no idea wether this is how its supposed to work, or if I am just lucky, but so far so good! Now to maintain. I am having a hard time getting clothes, 8's are a tad too small and 10's are too big. Less than 10 months ago I was a size 22 pushing 24, its just UNBELIEVABLE. So there i t is, from the fatest laziest person I know, I have become who I want to be. My song before was this one:

Now I am who I want to be......finally I am me......

An extra update!

2010-02-02T02:38:00.000-08:00

Well I have taken some more pics, these are approx 51kg down. And pre op for comparison.

The hunt begins.....

2010-02-02T02:17:00.000-08:00

For the last 12 months or so at work has been lovely. I work with great people in the office, but the other day one of them resigned. So its back to the drawing board, new staff member search is on!

Training not my forte, but its going to be my job. We have our first candidate up for an interview tomorrow. Its just so hard to make a decision in a short meeting. I have a list of description of duties. I think I have learnt my lesson from previous employees. Who would have thought it so difficult to find the "right" person.

There is nothing worse than putting in the time to train someone and then for it not to work out. Hopefully this time things go smoothly! Fingers crossed!

The stress of training and making sure I do it properly is daunting, but hopefully my errors in previous cases have taught me well!

So bring it on, I look forward to welcoming the right person into the fold of the family business!

Feeling a little fragile today!

2010-01-31T16:37:00.001-08:00

I have no idea why, but the morning drop offs at school leave me feeling teary. I don't know why, not sure if its the over whelming amount of parents trying to jostle for space at the prep classroom, or the kids arguing all the way to school. Bec drops her 2 off at my place in the morning, and I take 2 to prep and 1 to daycare.

I used to drop the kids off at 8 and be at work by 8.15. Now Bec drops the kids off at 7, and we leave my place at 8. And then its a mad rush, from daycare, then to school, negotiating the cars (one of which nearly reversed over one of my nieces today)and then I rush to be at work on time. Its mentally exhausting. And I am spent by the time I get to work at 9! Its not really that hard, but it just seems like it!

I guess it doesn't help that I am tired. I really need to set myself a bed time and stick to it. Last night I went to bed at 11.30pm and the princess comes flying down the hall at 5am. Then decides she wants to chat. So I got a little over 4 1/2 hours sleep last night!

We are currently looking for another admin staff member, and I will get them to do 9-5 so I will start doing 8.30-4.30. That extra 30 minutes at night makes all the difference. I just hope this job search goes easily, why is it so hard to find someone suitable!

Anyway, that's my whinge, its taken me so long to do this blog that I am almost over it!! My brother has said that we might be able to do drop off and pick up share. Our kids all go to the same school and all need to be there at the same time, so we might all meet at work then we all do turn about in the mornings. That would be so nice!

Update after Dr's appointment.

2010-01-31T00:42:00.000-08:00

OK so have been to GP, Surgeon and neurologist.

GP has written me a script for PREDNISONE which is a steroid to work like an inflamitory. Hopefully it will get the vein/nerve back to normal size and my leg will have normal bloodflow and get its feeling back. I have to wean off them after taking them for 7 days. If the steroids don't work, I'll see an orthepedic surgeon for a simple procedure call decompression surgery.

The surgeon (for the sleeve) said that I need to slow down my weightloss now. My BMI is getting on the low side instead of healthy. But I have no idea how to do that. I need a high calorie diet, but I just dont feel the need to eat much!

I went shopping yesterday, I now have 10A bras :crying: My poor boobies! I also bought a new skirt, its really nice but its a bit big around the waist, its a 10 :shock: Looks like soon I will be an 8. OMFG I never ever even thought it possible. I am a bit worried about my bones sticking out a bit now. You could almost hang a coat hanger from my shoulder blades.

A guy I havent seen since the op came into work on friday and said I look like an empty pencil case. not sure if thats good or not :P

Had a pretty relaxing weekend, after sorting out some initial dramas.

Update after neuroligist visit!

2010-01-27T02:39:00.000-08:00

I have been to see a neurologist today about the numbness in my legs. Turns out its not a B12 deficency (which he said is quite an unusal thing to have anyway), its from crossing my legs. Now that I don't have the padding on my knees anymore, my knee cap pushes on the nerve that helps my leg function. He said I have no muscle tone in my shin. He could see that by just looking at it. He said I could wear a brace on my ankle to stop ''ankle drop" which I have, and it has caused a few falls, but it shouldn't be necessary. He is sending a report to my dr and will put me on some meds to reduce the inflamation in the nerve and says it should be back to normal in a few weeks. they can do it by a needle or tablets so just to wait and see now what the dr does. If that doesn't work in 4 weeks he said an orthapedic surgeon can cut into my leg and release something that should fix it. So I'll pop off to the dr on friday (when he should have the report) and get these meds into me. I think he said that the injection would be cortizone? I have been walking a bit weird to compensate for my droopy foot, so that should go back to normal soon too!

Also on the weight side of things, seems I have finally stablised. I haven't lost any weight for about 3 weeks and I have also been able to manage a fairly normal diet.

So hooray, I think I might be coming right!!

First day at school...

2010-01-24T18:22:00.000-08:00

Well today is my little princess' first day at prep. Strangely weird that she has a public holiday tomorrow, but I guess a short week is good for their first week.

I was a bit teary when I drove out of there. She looked so little and alone, but she wandered off to do something so I tore myself away. I just can't believe that my little darling is out in the big wide world. No one to wipe her bum, tie her shoes, no more one on one time. No more running around in her undies all day with no shoes on!

I took a photo of her out the front of the house so we could look back on them in years to come.

So its done, the hurdle of the first day. I love that little girl so much, and I was so proud of her this morning.

Another day.....

2010-01-20T15:27:00.000-08:00

So its another day, and on my way to dropping the kids off to day care I had thoughts over and over about what I would blog about today. Because my life is so very exciting, that I have so much choice :P

Well the little princess starts school in 4 sleeps. This morning when I went to get her up she rolled over and said to me, "Tomorrow is my last day at little school, that's been running through my head all night!" So can you tell she is a little excited? I am actually feeling a little teary about it. I'm not worried about her settling in, shes been in day care since about 8 months, its more about the what if's. Kids are cruel, I know because I was the cruel kid at school. I worry about nits. About having to comb one of those fine tooth combs through her long locks (which she wont let me cut!) I also worry about her being one of the cruel kids. I would hate for my child to be the aggressor :( I worry too much.

Anyway......

We went out for dinner on Saturday night with Mum, Dad, my family Bec's family and a couple of friends. We went to and we had the nicest night. Bec and I haven't laughed like that for ages. It was so great, we had tears running down our cheeks. It felt great! The kids were great, the cake was great, the company was great, the night was lovely. This is what has us laughing, check out the face :P

I love this photo of the little princess and her nanny from the same night x

Another day..... another post.....

2010-01-19T20:46:00.000-08:00

OK so I have had my friend run to the foxtel shop today to pick up the new remote for the little princess. She is going to be very excited, and even better, my friend S (former foxtel salesman, got me a discount, and will get himself back into the princesses good books, after slipping out by not putting christmas lights on his house this year!)

So I have been busy today trying to find a skin I like for my blog, but I just can't find one I am happy with, so the search will continue. I am considering changing the name of my blog, but I wonder if that will be removing the whole purpose of the blog to start with. So readers (pft if anyone reads this) be prepared for different appearances for a few days while I settle on something I like!

I am so in love with the idea of a blog, and I want it to feel nice to read, but honestly I don't think I have that much interesting stuff to post about so it will probably end up being quite mundane, so accept this as my apology before I bore your pants off :P

Hmm not doing so well at keeping up to date!

2010-01-18T22:51:00.000-08:00

OK so I said I'd get back into blogging, and I haven't had a very good start! I blame Bec, shes been on holidays and I have been doing both jobs for a week....that a good enough excuse? If its not, too bad :P

We had foxtel installed yesterday, I am looking forward to watching http://health.discovery.com/tv/big-medicine/about-big-medicine.html Its a series about people who have had bariatric surgery. The after effects and their journeys. I have been hanging out to see it, so will set up the iQ to start recording this week. Funny thing is after finally convincing A to get foxtel, I couldn't find anything I wanted to watch last night...but don't tell him that!

Sarah and I are off to meet a bunch of friends for coffee on the weekend, and I am under strict instructions (from my little princess) that we are to go to see the foxtel man to buy the kids remote. She is refusing to watch it (she has a box in her "lounge" too) until she has that remote! Can anyone say spoilt brat??

Anyway just a bit of an update on where I am at 'diet' wise. I have an appointment this coming wed with the Neurologist to find out whats going on with my legs. I have been having numbness and now my legs are collapsing under me. Which this weekend ended in carpet burn and an awesome bruise! I haven't lost any weight for about a week, which is great. I was starting to get concerned about where I would stop! So for now I am officially 58.4kg. I was hoping to lose another 400grams so I could say I have lost 50kg, but I am happy with where I am. I am wearing size 10 clothes and can shop off the rack. Its just such an amazing feeling being able to buy whatever I want!

Anyway its home time.......so off I'll go!

More pics!

2010-01-15T17:26:00.001-08:00

OK so I am not so good at the blog stuff, can't get the pics positioned right, or get it looking quite as nice as I'd like!

So here is a couple more pics to add!

Wow its been a while!

2010-01-15T16:39:00.000-08:00

So its been quite a while since I blogged, and its about time I got back into it. Originally this blog was so people could follow me from the start of my weight loss journey. But I am now at the end of really needing to blog about it, so this blog will now be about me. So I'll start with photos of my progress...be warned some are a little graphic!

107.8kg

I thought I looked *ok* in this, but wouldn't wear it out!

42kg down......

And this is now 50kg down:

Update

2009-07-15T20:46:00.000-07:00

Just a bulk update of the last few weeks:

Hi Guys, thanks Bec for your updates. I am sick, but I am not sure why. I have a feeling that I am sick from hunger but I can't eat anything, and I think that might be in my head. I have been trying to get some water in today because I am getting dehydrated again, and I have just thrown that all up Dad has his nurse friend coming over for a few days, A isn't going to be happy about that, but he's trying to help and I appreciate that. So we'll see if she can make me better!

_______________________________________

Last text said "On oxygen and drip, waiting to get blood test results, then might be transferred to sunnybank under my surgeon to check for a leak" They should have checked for that when she was there on tuesday night the bastards

________________________________________
Well apparently its all my fault because I haven't been taking my nexim regularly. Mind you he didn't give me any when I checked out. So he has been in this morning and told me off and belittled me, made me feel like a hypocondriact. But good news is I have managed some apple juice without the dry wretch. And they think I should be going home tomorrow.

_________________________________________
Ok so I am home and finally back at work for a couple of hours this afternoon. Still not feeling 100% but feeling better! Got some new clothes this morning, I bought size 18 pants. The ones I had on were 22 and they were falling down!!Its been quite embarrassing being back at work, everyone keeps coming in and commenting on the loss. I must learn to take compliments. So finally I hope that I might be able to enjoy this, instead of wishing I could turn back time.

__________________________________________________________
***Jo - do not read this post (you hvae been warned ) ** Just having a whinge, and I am surrprised its taken me this long. I am 8 weeks out from surgery tomorrow, and I feel shite. I can't eat anything, and if I do its tiny tiny amounts. I hear "read" people talking about eating a saucer of food. I am lucky if I can eat 2 or 3 teaspoons. I am vomitting most days, no reason, just feel sick, and up it comes. I can drink fine, but food is a real issue. Surely my body can't survive on such little food. For example, yesterday I had a couple of sips of a hot choc, 1 cracker with vegimite and a sip of soup. I can't seem to find any information on why I feel a blockage in my throat. I think this blockage is whats causing me to be see. Its like when you poke your finger down your throat and you need to retch, like its just sitting there ready to make me spew!Food is such a huge part of your life and every single meal is affected by how I feel. We don't go out any where because I can't eat anything. I haven't got the energy just to cruise the shops. I have lost 20kg but I worry about it coming back when eventually I start to eat. **Little gap there where I went to be sick** I am just so over it, and somedays find myself wishing I had never done this to myself. On monday morning I will ring my surgeon and see if I can get in for some type of check up, I can't live like this.

___________________________________________________

Finally I have an appointment tomorrow to have an endoscopy I have found another patient of the same surgeon, 3 weeks behind me that is having the same issues, so hopefully by me going in tomorrow I can get her questions answered too!

___________________________________________________
Hi guys just checking in and updating how I went today.Had my endoscopy. He said there is a scratch in my throat that is healing, and there was food lodged in my throat, which he cleaned out. Asked me if I had eaten a passionfruit recently, I had kiwi fruit yesterday :LOL: So he could see where that had lodged! So After cleaning me out it feels soother, I don't feel like I need to be sick now, so obviously it was the food lodged in my throat that was sitting somewhere that was causing me to retch! My Dr was really nice today and I hope that now I can finally get some food in! I managed some chicken and vegies for dinner, so hopefully I might be on my way back!!

_____________________________________________________
Well I have had my check up with the surgeon this morning. We have upped my reflux meds for a week to see if that stops the nausea....on a positive these are my measurements Chest -13cmWaist -15cmHips -19cmUpper right arm -5cmUpper left arm -4.5cmright thigh -10.5cmleft thigh -10.5cmWeight loss 24.2kgTOTAL CM's LOST - 77.5!!!!

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5 weeks post op

2009-05-24T17:10:00.000-07:00

5 weeks out, and 15kg down.But I am sick I don't really know why. I have been on reflux medication, and yesterday I read the side affects and it was nauesa, vomiting and diohreah. Der I have all of those since I started to take it. So I went to the Dr about the medication, and he gave me something else, but the chemist tells me its pretty much the same, so I have decided to stop taking anything and see if the reflux is gone, Its supposed to have settled down within 6 weeks. So I will wait and see if its gone before I start taking anything else.I think I am sick from being hungry, you know when you feel sick, you don't eat then you feel sick from hunger? And I can't force anything down. I am begining to think that its all in my head I just feel so terrible, all the time. Every morning, I have to throw up, at least once, I have constant nausea. Its making the 15kg I have lost not be impressive cause its too hard to get excited about anything. I just want to feel better

1 month post op

2009-05-20T17:45:00.000-07:00

1 month yesterday since surgery. I have hit 13.8kg loss!!I am struggling a bit with nausea. Can't get much down. If I didn't know better I'd think I was pregnant, one nice run to the bathroom as soon as I get to work and then I am all right to go!I feel sick everytime I go to eat something, and because I don't feel like it I just don't eat. so my goal this week is to eat more.

Yesterday I ate
A few sips of coffee
A couple of teaspoons of weetbix
A couple of teaspoons of youghurt
A few sips of cuppa soup
And a few spoons of chicken pasta
125 ml of cordial

My dietitian wants me to eat
Porridge/weetbix for breakfast
1/2 an up and go m/tea
Meat and vegies for lunch
1/2 an up and go a/teameat
and vegies for dinner
apple and lite custard for desert
And a litre of water!
Ummm yeah good luck with that!!

So its been tough, by no means easy, but I can't believe that I have lost nearly 14kg in about 6 weeks! I would never have thought that possible!I can't really see except for my face that I have lost weight, but the girls at work are noticing it from other places. Maybe when I buy some clothes in smaller sizes and cuts I will notice more.

Maybe a cause to my feeling sick?

2009-05-15T18:15:00.001-07:00

I think I have discovered what might be making me sick. I have been dr googling this morning after someone mentioned to me that it might be the reflux that is making me sick.

Less Common SymptomsMany patients with GERD do not experience heartburn or
regurgitation. Instead symptoms may appear in other locations.
Chest
Sensations or Pain. Patients may have the sensation that food is trapped
behind the breastbone. Chest pain is a common symptom of GERD. It is
very important to differentiate it from chest pain caused by heart conditions,
such as angina and heart attack.
Symptoms in the Throat. Less commonly, GERD
may produce symptoms that occur in the throat:
Acid laryngitis. A condition
that includes hoarseness, dry cough, the sensation of having a lump in the
throat, and the need to repeatedly clear the throat. Trouble swallowing
(dysphagia). In severe cases, patients may even choke or food may
become trapped in the esophagus, causing severe chest pain. This may indicate a
temporary spasm that narrows the tube, or it could also be an indication of
serious esophageal damage or abnormalities. Chronic sore throat. Persistent
hiccups. Coughing and Respiratory Symptoms. Asthmatic symptoms like coughing and
wheezing may occur. In fact, in one study, GERD alone accounted for 41.1% of
cases of chronic cough in nonsmoking patients. The incidence was even higher
when GERD and asthma were combined.
Chronic Nausea and
Vomiting. Nausea that persists for weeks or even months and is not
attributable to a common cause of stomach upset may be a symptom of acid
reflux. In rare cases, vomiting can occur as often as once a day. All
other causes of chronic nausea and vomiting should be ruled out, including
ulcers, stomach cancer, obstruction, and pancreas or gallbladder disorders

I have bolded my symptoms. I have got reflux meds, I just forget to take them, so they will be my new religion and see if I can get rid of this feeling sick. Because I feel sick I don't eat anything, and I am really struggling at work cause I haven't got the energy to stay awake!

Its finally moving!!

2009-05-13T16:12:00.001-07:00

Well the loss has finally started to happen. Today I have hit 11.2kg down! I just wish I was feeling better! I have maybe been a bit generous when it comes to food. I have been eating things that aren't mashed. I have been eating spag bol and stuff like that. Goes down fine, but for the last few days I have been feeling sick, which doesn't really make me want to eat, so its not really any wonder that I am losing weight. Just have to make sure to keep up my berocca and multi vitamin so that my body gets what it needs. So today I am back onto runny stuff. I have been advised that I might be feeling sick because I am pushing it, so I am going to go back a step and see if that makes me feel better.I have an appointment on the 20th with the surgeon for a follow up and his assistant took my cm measurements, so I will be interested to see how many cm's I've lost. Bec says she can see it on my body, I can only see it on my face and my shoulder blades at the moment. I haven't seen my best friend since before the surgery and I am kind of holding off seeing her cause I'd love for her to notice a big difference!!!Anyway thats where I am at, off to find something runny for breakfast!!

Updated photo, this is about 2 months apart.

2009-05-10T20:53:00.000-07:00

Big goal!!!

2009-05-10T15:58:00.000-07:00

Sorry its been so long since I gave an update. Its now 3 weeks since I had the op. I can drink fairly well, just have to take sips rather than gulps. I can get through a whole youghurt. I am still on mush, thats just for another week. I can get through a coffee now too. The girls at my local coffee shop were suprised when I ordered a mini instead of my usual maxi! So I had to tell them about my surgery.
I got ambitious yesterday and ordered grilled fish for lunch, thinking that it would just fall apart, but it was cooked in an egg wash, so I ate two bites and had to ignore the rest. I really thought I was going to be sick there in the middle of the resturant, got up walked around, and it was ok!
Mum asked me if it was worth it, well today I have hit my second mini goal, I am 10.2kg down!! Does that make it seem worth it??!! I think so!!
My scars are healing up quite well, the one I was concerned about seems to be ok now.
So onward an upward to the next goal!!

2009-05-01T16:57:00.000-07:00

I feel like I have hit a wall today. I haven't lost any weight for 3 days, and today I put on 200grams. How the hell does that happen?? I wonder if I have sent my body into starvation mode because I just don't feel the need to eat. So I am only eating 3 times a day, where as it should be 6 times. I have tried to up my water intake. Thats tough when you are supposed to eat 6 times a day, and not drink 10 minutes prior or 1/2 an hour after a meal!
I haven't done any exercise yet. I am using the excuse that my tummy is still too sore, but I know its not! I might take Sarah and her bike down the coast tomorrow and she can ride and I'll walk along side her. Might see if mum wants to come with us. I have said I will up my food intake and today I have only managed 1/2 a shake and its 10am. Not going so smoothly yet!!

Lastnight I had some blended chicken and vegies, was really looking forward to it, but I think I must have picked while I was blending it. Sat on the couch to eat dinner, hands went clammy, felt sick, did the bolt and I threw up. First time since being in hospital, I think I must have picked more than I thought and not chewed it properly.

So my goal, drink more water and eat more, and hopefully I will see some results! Not to lose site of the fact that I have lost 9kg in 22days. But when it falls off like that and it stops its hard not to be disappointed!

11 days post op!

2009-04-30T19:45:00.000-07:00

Ok so my weight has stayed fairly static. 9kg loss and no more. I wondered if maybe I am putting myself into starvation mode? So today I am making an effort to up my food intake. I have also bought some liquid vitamins and some protein powder, so that I can up both of those things. I have found out that protein assists with healing so I will pop that on any food I can to up it.

I have had issues with reflux, seems thankfully that the medication the dr gave me is working! Woo Hoo, I pity those that suffer from reflux or heartburn. Its terrible!

I have started to use bio-oil on my scars, spoke to the lady at the health food shop, she said it was ok to put them on as long as they had sealed. So I have started that today.

I am still feeling hungry, I am not sure if its just growling or actual hunger. Thats why I decided to up my food intake to see if I can remedy that.

My water intake isn't as good as it should be but I am working on that, I suppose I should start to exercise soon too.

8 days post op

2009-04-27T15:15:00.000-07:00

Ok won't be as lazy as I was last post, I will write this instead of copy and pasting!!

Surgery wise things are going good. I have one particular incision that is causing me a bit of pain, so I took the bandages off and had a look and it looked terrible! So on the way home from work yesterday I bought some more steri-strips. Got home jumped straight into the shower thinking that the water would loosen the ones that weren't already falling off, wrong. So I started to peel them off and I split the scar on my belly button **Cry** Ouch, made me feel sick, and due to the dynamics at home at the moment, I had to do it on my own. So I did it, and then had to sit down because I felt exhausted. I have a really sore back at the moment too.

I am feeling a bit down today, could be whats going on at home (or whats not more to the point), or the fact that I get to work and my brother has blocked my husbands emails from coming through. With what is going on at home at the moment, that's all I need, for him to think I have blocked him. And more to the point WTF does he think even touching my email. I am 100%certain he gets personal emails on his work email, apart from the fact that he has organised building his new house during work for the last 8 or so months. Hypocrite. Makes me so angry.

Anyway that was a depressing blog! My day can only get better from here, surely?

I am 5 days post surgery

2009-04-24T03:35:00.000-07:00

I am going to copy and paste some stuff in here cause my head still doesnt feel 100%!!
21.4.2009
Hi guys, just checking in from my hospital bed! Feeling pretty sore and sorry for my self. I think I have been having reflux, which is what is making me the most uncomfortable. Haven't hS nything except water yet. Got mum to ring my Sarah and hold her off coming to visit till tonight, I was so out of it yesterday afternon.
Feeling heaps better todaya than yesterday, I love IV pain killers they rock.

And Jus, they took the paper undies when they gave me a sponge bath lastnight. They took any dignity I had too!

They gave me the option of going home today, but I will take advantage of having a choice and stay one more night.

Anyway just thought I'd say hi!!
_____________________________________

22.4.2009
Ok so today I am having a wtf have I done to myself day!! I feel really terrible. Can't get any sleep but i have to go home today because A has to go back to work tomorrow and I need to take Sarah to day care

I have only had about 300ml of water since monday morning, I am dying to gulp down a glass of water. I can't even stomach any mylanta. The have been giving me nexim injections for the reflux.

I will really try to eat some breakfast today, because I wonder if its also 'hunger'making me feel this bad.

____________________________________

22.4.2009
Thank you all so much for your support. I must admit I might have underestimated the recovery. Bec has just been in to pick up Sarah, she is having a sleep over. I can't tell you how much my families support has meant to me, my brother even came and vistied yesterday and Mum was there when I woke up from the Op. Bec's been holding the office togethere and A has been great. Even following him getting 2 teeth pulled yesterday. We are like some silly head sore couple at the moment. I will get there, I have to I have no choice, this is not reversable, nor do I want it to be. Just getting through the next coouple of days is my first goal. The sleeve site I am on generally say you are back to normal about 1 week after surgery, 5 days to go.

Thank you all again x
______________________________________________

23/4/2009
Thanks girls, well after a good nights sleep I feel a lot better. I doubt that I would have been comfortable taking Sarah to daycare today, so I am so greatful that Bec took her for me.

Kirsty - You are right,I do need to drink more, I should be sipping to stave off dehydration. So I will start shortly.

I had a sustagen for breakfast, about 20ml! I can't believe that I could down that before without even thinking of it, now this one will last me 3 days!!

I have some good bruises on my legs from where they gave me my injections, took some photos of the damage whilst having a shower this morning.

I had to get off my arse and have a shower. I have a friend coming over She has had a lap band and she is off work sick, so thought she'd come and see me. She better not make me sick!

Anyway thats where I am at, thank you all for your thoughts. I am back to my surgery weight today, so tomorrow should show a loss!!!
_____________________________________________
23.4.2009
Thanks again girls. Better to be safe than sorry. I can't believe that I am surviving on 1 ice block, 20mls of sustagen, and I am about to give some soup a go!

I should be drinking more water, but the gurgle is so weird. I don't get hunger pains but I do get the gurgle associated with hunger. So very strange!
___________________________________________________

24.4.2009
Oh My God! Weighed in this morning I am down to 102kg!!!! Holy Hell!!

And I managed some porridge this morning!! Yay!!!

Yeah the bruises are from the anti blood clot injections, and they also gave me some anti nausea ones there too. They were actually painless to go in.

Re the up and go, I have only had sustagen so far, and that has lasted me 2 days, and hardly feels like I've even opened it. I have been a bit more experimental with volume today, so hopefully I will get through a popper soon! I have had some vitamin water, porridge and chicken soup. Have a bit of reflux, which is freaking horrible! I went out and about a bit today, I'm a bit slow, but getting there!

Had my dressings changed this morning, and the nurse said they are looking good. I don't have stiches just the steri strips.

----------------------------------------

And thats where I am at the moment, its been slow, but will be well worth it!!

1 more sleep

2009-04-18T17:40:00.000-07:00

I can't believe the time is finally here. I have lost 4.4kg since I started Optislim, which was 9 days ago. And I was thinking to myself that I could do this on my own, but I know I couldn't. Because without a person to be accountable to, I would eat something once that I shouldn't then continue to do the same until gradually the shakes and water are well and truley forgotten about. I am so excited & nervous about tomorrow!!! I can't believe that I am spending $7000+ on me, but I know at the end of the day it will be well and truley worth it!!

I am below my goal of 40kg to lose. I need to lose 38.4 to get to my goal weight!! I wonder how long it will take! I can't wait to have photos taken this christmas to compare to the last few years. 2 years ago I saw the photos from Christmas lunch and I cried. I can't believe that I let myself get so big. I can't even comprehend that there is the risk of becoming underweight!! I would have never ever thought that was even possible!!

I might not get on now till after my surgery, so next time I blog I will be 2/3 of a stomach down....hmm I wonder how much that weighs.... LMAO!!!

2 sleeps to go

2009-04-17T23:31:00.000-07:00

Faced a pretty big test today. I went to a birthday party for my neice Olivia who has just turned 3. OMG, lolly bananas, cake, savaloys, crackers and dip, coke.... and I had a salad and a bottle of water! And I didnt feel deprived. I felt glad, because this morning I hit 104kg on the scales. Thats a loss of 3.8kg since friday week ago, so 8 days!!! I can't believe it! I feel so good.

I'm getting a bit nervous about the op now, its major surgery, who wouldn't. But I know that this is my life we are working on, I want to enjoy it.
My top reasons to lose weight in no particular order:

To buy clothes from whatever shop I want
To buy something because I like it, not because I like it the best out of what fits me.
To go for a walk and enjoy it, not dread it
To finally eat to live, not live to eat
Bit of energy in bed wouldn't go astray either ;) (Sorry Mum)
I don't want to be fat, and uncomfortable any more

I set my first mini goal at 100kg. But since that is only 4kg away, lets make it 95kg. Bring it on, I am so ready for this!!

5 sleeps to go!

2009-04-15T04:35:00.000-07:00

Well another couple of days down and a couple of days closer. I had my booking in appointment at the hosptial this morning. They got me to fill in some forms gave me an EKG and some soap and told me to be there at 7am on Monday.

Sarah is looking forward to sleeping over at Pam's house on Sunday night. And the nurse told me today that I would only be in one night, so I might be home on Tuesday. Which she'll be happy about!

I am a bit apprehensive about only being in for one night. The pros to staying a couple more is that I get the IV pain killers and only have to lay there. At home I won't be able to help myself I will keep getting up to do stuff! And in hospital your "meals" are provided and I don't have to cook them!! I will request another night if I feel like I need it. I worry about there being a leak, and if I am in hospital they will catch that!

I haven't had anymore weightloss which is weird but its TTOM so hopefully I will get a nice surprise in a day or two. I am feeling good, really good. I haven't cheated and eaten anything I shouldn't have, except a small bake at home roll 3 days ago. And I didn't really need that, just did it because thats what I do and thats my problem!!

We have been flat out at work so I haven't really had a chance to think about being on a diet much, which is usually what I do, and I think about what I am missing out on!

So I am happy, and approaching this with excitement, I can't believe that this time in 12 or even 6 months I will look differently!!

Off to have a nicely warmed optifast, actually enjoying them now!

Day 4 - 6 to go!!

2009-04-12T18:58:00.000-07:00

Well I am really struggling here today :(
Last night we went to the local RSL for dinner, I had vegies and the others had steak or fish and chips and pavlova for desert. I was so tempted to eat a chip or some fish, but I didn't and the will power it took made me feel like crying. :oops: I even picked up a chip to feel if it was crunchy :shock: After Bec and Jase and the kids had gone I told A how difficult that was, and he actually said, I am proud of you! I can't believe how deep my issues with food are if I nearly cry when I am forced to use my will power.
I am feeling water logged and I've only drunk about 1 litre, still another one to go!
I am feeling pretty happy with myself that I have stuck to this so well. I didn't have a taste of chocolate yesterday, was [i]hardly[/i] tempted Sarah got so much choc, and I know she'll forget about it and it will go in the cupboard to be thrown out before next easter Or added to the school raffel basket
I am down 2.4kg today, which is pretty amazing for 3 days!
This time next week I will be sleeved!!!

3rd day into pre-op

2009-04-11T16:48:00.000-07:00

Well I am 3 days into my 10 day pre op and I have lost 2kg already!!! Must drink more water today!! I am at work so I thought it would be harder but we are busy and I am just about to have my first shake of the day.

I can't believe that I am 2kg down already!

Eight days to go!

2009-04-11T00:08:00.000-07:00

Well its the end of day 2 on the shakes. And I dont think I have done too badly. It hought it would be harder being at home for the two days, but bother afternoons when I start to get hungry, I slept, so that filled in some time! :P I do have headaches too, they can be avoided by drinking more water which I havent done much of today!

I haven't really struggled as badly as I thought. I hope the fact that work is busy at the moment will help me fill the next 2 days in the office on my own! At least there is nothing to snack on there!
I did have a loss of 500g this morning, so hopefully will lose a couple of KG in the next 8 or so days.

I went shopping to get some of the meal replacement bars today, they want $20 for 6. I don't thinks so.

Bought myself some new grannie jammies for hospital today, I don't know how long I'll need them for,I guess the first day I will be in a hosptial gown, but I wanted something nice to wear afterwards.

A is asleep ATM so I just had to make a peanut butter sandwich for Sarah on fresh white bread!! Oh the temptation!!

So anyway day 2 mostly down, only 8 to go!!!

Last day of solid food - pre op!!

2009-04-08T18:10:00.000-07:00

I met my dietitian last night. He is good, and he has put my mind at rest and given me a diet plan for pre and post op, which is helpful and will help me be more organised. That was one of the things I was dreading. When I don't eat, I panic and reach for a quick fix, so I will be super organised, and never feel like this isn't being done for a reason, I hope. He showed me a glass of what my stomach capasity will be like, its going to be 200ml. Says that I will struggle to drink half a diet shake. I can't even comprehend that!! Told me to start using little cups and plates. And to stop drinking 10 minutes prior to meals and 30 minutes after. Which will be hard, because I normally get through a glass of something while I eat!
So today is the last day that I will ever be able to eat normally (as I know it now) I will be sleeved in 11 days!! OMG!!
Yesterday Sarah climbed up on my lap and said to me, do you know why I like cuddling you mummy? And I said why? She said cause you're all soft! Well not for much longer!!
Lastnight when I put her to bed, she was talking about me going to hopsital, because we were told one night, but research tells me 2 or 3, so I was preparing her for the fact it will be longer than one night. She started to cry, so I told her that when I get home and start to feel better I will be happy to take her to the park for a ride, and I'll buy a bike so we can go riding together. She was so excited, and to tell you the truth, so am I!

2 days to go!!

2009-04-07T19:31:00.000-07:00

2 days to go until I start on my 10 days of optifast. Funnily enough I am not dreading it. More like the fact that its just the start of my journey.

I have an appointment tonight with the dietitian, so hopefully he will give me some ideas on how to eat my vegi's for the next 10 days.

I want to be prepared and make sure that I don't have any excuse to slip. I want to do this right.

One of the guys at work has been telling me to go and make a pig of myself on Thursday night for dinner because its the last time I will be able to eat like that, but I don't want to. I need to shift my thinking about food to make this work.

I need to eat to live, not live to eat!

A great LOL cat!

2009-04-06T23:53:00.000-07:00

Deposit paid!

2009-04-06T18:28:00.000-07:00

Well I have just paid the $5000 deposit.
I have had a lot of operations (3 or 4) in my life, but I have never ever had to pay for them!!
I am actually looking forward to starting opitfast on Friday. 10 days of shakes for every meal, and 2 cups of vegies a day. I am going to start making some stirfry vegies in bulk for lunches and dinners, and I'd also like to make some soups for the first few days home after surgery.
I see the dietian on Wednesday. I am also looking forward to seeing him, apart from the fact that he sounds hot :signmuahaha: I am looking forward to some assistance on how to adapt to my new smaller tummy!
Its hard to explain to a four year old why mummy is going to hospital. This morning she said she will miss me, and she doesn't want me to go, and I tried in the best way possible to explain to her that this surgery will help me to be able to enjoy the future with her, to help me get fit enough to take her to the park willingly, and run along beside her when she rides her bike.

I have done a little bit of preop prep. Like buying soluble painkillers, de gas, to remove the gas they pump you up with, must get the suitcase out so I can add things as I think of them! Must put some music on my new ipod so I can take that with me too!

I am having a what the hell am I doing moment!

2009-04-02T16:52:00.000-07:00

This is all moving so fast for me. I have been looking into banding for about 18 months. And when I went to see my surgeon he talked down banding and advised the sleeve. So that was on Monday the 30th of March. I am now booked for a sleeve on 20th April. Its all moving so quickly for me!! I keep questioning if this is the right thing for me. Am I taking the 'easy' way out. Removing part of my stomach terrifies me. Being non-reversable terrifies me, but is great because then I can't go back.
My surgeon hasn't organised councelling, which I thought they would.
I am baseing most of my journey on what I have witnessed with my banded friend, and its all being done fairly differently.
I have to organise care for my daughter while I am in hospital, I need to stock up on optifast, I need to get new Jammies, I need to get some de-gas. What else??? I have appointments with the nutritionist, pre op, I've had blood tests, wow what a huge 20 days this has turned out to be!

surgery date set!!!

2009-03-31T18:01:00.000-07:00

Well I have thought long and hard about this, and I have finally done something about it.
On the 20th of April, I am having surgery to remove part of my stomach. Sounds drastic, but it is an alternative to the lapband.
What they do is they cut off part of your stomach, leaving you with a 200ml "pouch" which is more like a tube, thats why they call it a sleeve. There is nothing forgein inserted, just a smaller area to fill with food.

I have a friend who has had a lapband recently, she spends every meal uncomfortable because she can't get any food through her band. I won't have that problem, the food goes in, its not blocked by anything, but I can only eat 200mls worth of food, including drinking.
The only real side effect is that there may be leakage where they seal up the new side of my stomach, and that it's non-revesable. But I am not going into this looking for it to be revesable. I am not spending $6000ish to have it reversed. I have had all the blood tests, submitted the paperwork, and on the 10th I start an optifast diet. That means optifast for 10days prior, and I can have vegtables to fill myself up if I need to. Then after surgery I have optifast for 2 weeks and can move onto mush.
On the 15th I have a pre op ECG, and am admitted on the 20th at 7am.

Exciting times!!

2009-03-27T22:36:00.000-07:00

Well its been a while. Sorry, so much for being a good blogger, good intentions and all that.

Since I was on here last I have been on a P&O cruise to Vanuatu Lifu and Nouemea, and I have also been to the dr about a referral to see a lapband doctor. My appointment is on Monday to see him.

Told A that I would get the groceries on the way home, and he said won't you be in pain?

I think he thought that I just go in on Monday and its done. Umm not that easy.

Its looking like costing about $5000 out of pocket, but I figure over the years I have spent that on diets anyway, so it will be worth it. I have a friend who has lost 3o kgs in about 3 months, so I am hoping it works like that for me too!
I have done so much research into the proceedure over so many years but I have always felt too vain to do anything about it. I don't feel as heavy as the scales say, but I must be pretty heavy because my BMI is what they want it to be to go ahead with the surgery, so bring on Monday!!!!

2009-02-17T13:53:00.000-08:00

Well today this little piggy is weighing the same as she did a few months ago when I first started really doing something, then I fell off, put on some more weight, and now I am back at the starting weight from a few months ago. Friggen story of my life! And this morning while I was weighing in, I had wet hair, so that has to count for some grams surely!!??

This weekend we are off to the races, Sarah is staying with mum and A is coming with me. Its with a workmate and a former workmate nd a group of their friends. Last time we went was great, so I have high hopes for this weekend. I have a fasinator, and shoes picked out, going for a pedicure today so I can show off my toes, now to chose the dress, don't have many to chose from but I have a few days to chose!

I am determined to get up my water intake, so today I will be drinking more water than yesterday! Which was none!! :P

2009-02-16T15:24:00.000-08:00

Well today is a new day!!

Yesterday afternoon I was joking to my workmates about how today could be made perfect by someone sending me chocolate in the mail, and then I went to check the mail and there was a parcel for me from England, from a friend called Emma. It was chocolate biscuits!!! So its true what they say about putting it out to the universe!! :P So I am putting out to the universe that I want to lose weight!
I have been having shakes for breakfast/morning tea which replaces my usual danish that I buy with my coffee. So already thats one up on myself.
We are leaving on a 7 day cruise on the 7th March, and I have been using that as an excuse to put off my diet. But now I realise, I am not just going to eat like a pig because the food is buffet style. EVERY meal will be buffet, its not like its a once off, so I am determined to go and eat normally and healthily but there will be intake of many cocktails, its a pacific cruise, how could there be no cocktails!!?? There is also a gym onboard which I'd love to spend some time in, I'd love to come back fromt he holiday refreshed and ready to jump into the exercise and losing weight.

Motivation is here, hopefully to stay!!

My very first blog

2009-02-15T19:36:00.000-08:00

Well its time for me to be accountable to someone, and that someone will be you blog!

I am not so good at writing down things I want to say, I am practised in blerting them out instead. So bare with me.

I have decided that I really need to do something about my weight. I have put it off for too long and I am sick of people taking photos over and over because I demand that they delete them if they haven't hidden my lumps and bumps, or my double chin is showing.

I am going to get an exercise bike. I have decided to ride it for 30 minutes a day, and having the bike at home I will have NO excuses.

I am really angry with myself because I have been here and done this so many times before, we are going on a cruise in 3 weeks, and I was supposed to have lost 10kg. That was my goal and I have failed :(

I have tried everything, I have done Jenny Craig, Weight watchers, Slimfast, Tony Ferguson, and all of them have had about a 10kg loss but always manage to put it and then some back on.

So this is it. I was considering Lapband, but will try this first!

Today my intake has been as follows:
2 mini cupcakes - was cleaning out the fridge!
1 coffee
4 slices of rye bread
Small tin of light tuna
Garden Salad
another coffee

So bring it on the motivation is back!!!

This little piggy

Life is good.....

My birthday is coming.....time to reassess my goals....

My bucket list.....

That 1%.....and why we hang onto it........

Ouch.....

BOOBS........

Keep up...its a mish mash!

Had my ultrasound today.....

Sunday love...

Time for an update!

I fear I am becoming one of those people.....

2 year anniversary.......

Live like we're dying.......because we are.......

I am an awesome blogger......

OMG.........my arms.....

OMG....*swoon*

So we made it through January.....

*suicide mentioned* I feel such a desperate need to help educate...

The importance of asking for help........especially for men

Share the love

As summer holidays come to an end......

The devastation....

Stylish blogger award!!

An update on my princess....

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

Another year comes to an end....and we know what that means!!??

My first taste of negativity...

1/2 of who I was....

Finally, My birthday wish...granted.......

Something to do.....

Oh.My.God. The gluttens!

Life is good.....

I feel blergh....

Egh...I wanna go back to bed.....but it is improving...albeit slowly!

Finally you tubed my journey.....

Here I am again...

Lots of questions

Britt made me do it!

Touched....

Dietian visit...results!

You know...I can't for the life of me think of a title for this post.....

My 12 month update....

How to stop......help starting to worry now!

So its 20 days from being 1 year sleeved.....

Slacker!!

God...I am so slack!

The wean starts....

Basking in the glow!

An extra update!

The hunt begins.....

Feeling a little fragile today!

Update after Dr's appointment.

Update after neuroligist visit!

First day at school...

Another day.....

Another day..... another post.....

Hmm not doing so well at keeping up to date!

More pics!

Wow its been a while!

Update

5 weeks post op

1 month post op

Maybe a cause to my feeling sick?

Its finally moving!!

Updated photo, this is about 2 months apart.

Big goal!!!

11 days post op!

8 days post op

I am 5 days post surgery

1 more sleep

2 sleeps to go

5 sleeps to go!

Day 4 - 6 to go!!

3rd day into pre-op

Eight days to go!

Last day of solid food - pre op!!

2 days to go!!

A great LOL cat!

Deposit paid!

OMG....swoon

suicide mentioned I feel such a desperate need to help educate...